I And Me

I and Me

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Mom's Going Away Party

Mom on her Last Cruise

It's a funny title I know but it's what she wanted, a Party to celebrate her life. It was a strange event for small town Texas, held at a Mexican restaurant, but it was what my mother wanted.

Irish Whiskey and Margarettas, and some beer for those who were weird. Daddy and I stuck to Irish Whiskey, he wore red, I wore fushia and my sister wore green. Mom, of course, wasn't there in person as she might have been in a real Irish wake but she was in Spirit. I know this because mom had, rather has, a very strong spirit, and no way is she leaving before she has her party.

How do we feel now that the party? Honestly I don't know. I'm still numb. Immediately after the party I cried as I haven't cried in a long time. The last time I cried this hard Zeus my greyhound had just died. Yeah, I know strange comparison but my animals are my family too, so their loss is every bit as bad as losing my mother was, or vis versa.

Today, tonight actually, I'm extremely sad, somewhat lost and more than a little angry. You see I do stupid things when I'd sad and depressed, the worst two are I eat too much, and the wrong things and I spend money I can't afford to spend.

The last, spending I'm mostly controlled about, no credit cards, an allowance I set for myself and someone else controls when I get that allowance, so, 1st of the month, I get a rechargeable credit card so I can easily buy things and don't need to carry a lot of cash, but that card has a preset limit, can not access my checking account, and when the money is gone it's gone until the next month. A highly workable system.

Food on the other hand is another story. You have to have food to eat, preferably good, healthy and nonfattening food and in reasonable quantities. Well, let me get upset, really upset and all the previously stated goes down the proverbial drain.

Food has been a comfort and haven for me for decades, it doesn't work, of course, all it does is make me feel worse especially when I gain weight. So here I sit, in the dark, having just finished off some baked, sea salted and peppered chips, some pizza rolls and ginger ale, not all at once nor together, oh did I mention the grilled cheese sandwich? I had that with the chips, well some of the chips. There wasn't anything with a lot of sugar in it, I didn't buy anything with sugar, but it's tempting, yesterday I had three large cokes, something that I would never do in my right mind. Okay bad food habits are not detailed, and you're asking yourself, so if she knows about this bad habit, and that it's destructive and probably deadly, in the long or short run, why does she do it?

Because my MOTHER DIED!!! I can't get past the fact that my Mother is dead, she isn't coming back, she's gone, all I have are good and bad memories and a picture of her in my head as she lay dead in her bed, and she had her mouth open as if gasping for air, we couldn't close it. I'd rather the picture above be my last memory of my mom but it isn't.

Everything about that morning is etched, engraved rather, in my memory, how daddy reacted when I told him she'd died, how he was inconsolable, and thanks God for atavan, and how for two days after he woke up, he slept because of drugs, blessedly, he was totally silent, he spoke rarely, only when pressed and gruffly.

For the past couple of years my fathers grasp on reality has been rather tenuous, it is now much better, my mother dying did that, and I wish it hadn't in his out of touch world he was happy, we may not have understood why he had gone there, or what he was doing, but he was happy, but not the days immediately after mom's death. And we couldn't do a thing about it.

Mom and Daddy right after they were married

Mommy and Daddy were married 67 years, 6 months and 20 days, approximately. They were in love when they married and they remained in love to the day mom died, daddy still is in love. The love of his life is now gone, my sister and I are poor substitutes for company and to help him through this, we can't supply what is missing, mom's touch, mom's voice, mom's presence, it's not there for him and it's the most disheartening thing to watch him go silent and get a distant look on his face, and you know he's thinking about mom.

But then so are we...

Food? I learn to control myself, I hope, spending, pretty much out of my hands, sadness, no I won't lose that for quite a while. You see my daddy is 88 years old, has a bad heart, bad lungs and a sadness that no one can make go away. So sometime in the relatively near future I'll be going through this all over again, I hope it's not this month, or even this year, but it's not far. How will I get through that loss? Badly, very badly, but through it I will get, past the heartbreaking loss of both parents, being an orphan, I'll have my sister and her husband, I'll have Jerry a good friend, and my cousins, but I will not have my parents.

No one who hasn't lost a parent, or both can understand how an adult, grown woman, or man for that matter, can mourn, so deeply the loss of their parents, one or both. It's a loss you hope you never have to experience, but we all do. I hate death, I hate the loss it means, but mostly I hate that I never told my mother how very much she meant to me. That we would fight, we would say we loved each other, but not enough, we never said it enough.

Don't you do that, if your parents are alive, if you love them, tell them, visit them regularly, give them hugs and kisses, let them know how much they mean to you. I'm going to be sure my father knows how much he means to me, for however long I still have him. He'll know he my hero. Mom was my Guide, Daddy is my hero.

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March 20th 2011 @ 04:17

Posted By: Janice M Cali - Category: No Category

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Death and feelings

How long has it been since I've posted here? Absolutely have no idea, but it's been a very long time and for that I apologize. And now I'm going to enter again with a very long one. Please be patient and read through it. I won't be editing it, probably can't but I'll do my best to be cohesive and clear in what I write. Welcome back dear readers, and remember I write these for myself, and for anyone who can learn something from them. Thank you for waiting for more from me.

Life here has been very difficult, my parents entered a nursing home about two years ago, something I never wanted and was against. But they made the decision and they were sticking to it. Daddy was going down hill quickly and mom hadn't been in good health for quite awhile.

Neither my sister nor I were able to take care of them, and they wouldn't allow us to do so if we could. So they trotted, not literally, off to the nursing home near my home and my sisters. It's a nice facility, good people and very caring staff.

We were encouraged to decorate their room in any manner they wanted so we did. The walls were painted a dark reddish brown, a new floor was put in that simulated wood grain. Their bedroom dresser and night stands were put in and their favorite lift chairs, which they lived it, where also placed in the room. One china cabinet for mom's dragons was the final accessory. It was lovely, but as time passed got more and more crowded.

Daddy fell and hurt his back, badly, and was then in a bed full time. Mom continued to be in her chair, although ti was ruining an already miserable back. Finally last Christmas day she fell, again, and this time shattered her ankle. She was now in her bad. That made all the furniture, except the chairs, well one stayed for mom, if she was allowed to walk again. She never got the chance.

A couple of weeks ago daddy was hospitalized with pneumonia, we were surprised that he not only responded to the treatment, the fogginess that had clouded his mind, dementia by any other name is still dementia, was cleared somewhat. He was much more lucid for longer periods of time and was discharged eventually. He returned to the nursing home and was home about five days when mom was sent to the same hospital, with an undetermined illness. The nurses at the nursing home were just worried because she was going down so rapidly.

When she got to the hospital ER, she was admitted with probably congestive heart failure and a UTI (urinary tract infection). He doctor didn't agree with this and decided she was suffering from sever dehydration, and a mild UTI. He continued the antibiotics but changed from the glucose drip to a saline drip with vitamins and other goodies in it. Both doctors were right.

Mom had stopped eating in January, she'd eat just enough to keep her going, drink a fair amount but not a lot, and wasn't hungry. We were becoming very concerned before she went to the hospital, but as she never complained anything, never said her stomach hurt or that she was nauseated, we weren't terribly worried. But in the hospital it became apparent that there was a very serious problem. She couldn't keep anything down, not even water. The doctors had a CT preformed on her abdomen they found a "possible" small bowel obstruction.

Mom and daddy both have DNRs, these are directives for Do Not Resuscitate, which also means no extraordinary measures to prolong life. They are 87 and 88 respectively and to take extreme measures would actually be cruel, or so their thinking went and my sister and I agreed. Why did I mention this, because if mom had an obstruction it would require surgery and at her age, her health and such, surgery would have been extraordinary measures.

Anyway, by Saturday mom had perked up a lot, ate dinner with no problems and was told that if she was still doing well on Sunday and able to eat breakfast she could go home.

We told our father this, and were very happy, celebrating even, since early in the week it looked like mom wouldn't live much longer. On Friday I saw her early in the afternoon, she was asleep but grey around the mouth, and breathing uncomfortably, when I saw my therapist, remember I'm mentioned her in the past, I told her I'd be surprised if mom lived past Tuesday.

Because of this, I had decided to go back to the hospital that evening after dinner. When I got there they were taking vital signs for shift change and mom was awake and her thinking was clear, heck she could even hear clearly anyone speaking to her, something very unusual, since she was deaf, very deaf. But not Friday night. My sister came in and we talked, I couldn't believe the change. and as I said by Saturday she was doing great, although I did notice a decreased ability to understand and process information. My sister and the nurse weren't sure I was right.

Sunday, I decided to take the day off, I'd just go to the nursing home in the evening after mom got there. My sister had to head in the direction of the hospital anyway so she'd stop by check on mom and take her the things she'd requested.

When Carol got there mom was doing very well, she'd finished a good sized breakfast, and was talking about going home, quite excited. Suddenly, and I mean suddenly, she was having difficulty breathing. My sister got the nurse in there who called the doctor immediately, meanwhile mom has gone from excited to labored breathing, to barely conscious.

The doctor got there quickly, he was doing rounds anyway, and told my sister that she should call any family since he didn't think mom would make it very long. My sister asked if they could help her survive about 4 hours, long enough for us to get the nursing home to bring my father to see her. He said they'd try and they did. They not only tried the managed.

My father got there early afternoon, and mom and he talked for about an hour. Both lucid and thinking clearly. I'd already told daddy that mom was dying, he had a terrible time accepting this but did and was reasonable calm when he talked to her. They said their good byes and were more or less at peace with mom's death. Or so it seemed.

We got daddy seated comfortable in a recliner, next to mommy's bed, so he could hold her hand, mom slipped into an uncomfortable sleep with the help of some Demerol and daddy sat and held her hand. They brought dinner for her and daddy, but she wasn't awake and couldn't eat anyway, so I got to share dinner with daddy while he watched mom.

After he'd eaten, he said, loudly and clearly, "Mommy can't die, I'm not ready I need her to stay with me." This woke mommy up, of course, and suddenly she changed, the peace was gone, replaced with what I've seen many times in my mother, determination and resignation. She would try to stay with daddy longer, even though it was going to be hard.. Daddy repeated the same thing several times. Mommy squeezed his hand and he calmed down.

At this point I knew we had to get daddy back to the nursing home, he was fading quickly, tired and ready to lay down in a bed, not a recliner. He need to rest and sleep. Suddenly it hit me, get mom back to the nursing home too, since the hospital couldn't do anything for her, except maybe make her comfortable, she could be taken care of just as well at the nursing home with daddy and people she knew. We would also get hospice out to care for her.

The doctor and the hospital staff agreed that this was a great idea, and arrangements were made. Daddy was taken back to the nursing home in their van, which they had left for us so we could return him. And hospice was contacted and an ambulance arranged for mommy.

On the way to the nursing home her blood oxygen level dropped to 50 which meant she was getting almost no oxygen. When she got to the nursing home, the nurses and aides got her settled quickly, daddy sitting beside her holding her hand. The hospice nurse had just given her some morphine to relax the muscles that were knotting and making breathing not only more difficult but painful. Hospice's goal is the comfort of the patient not the survival.

It was talking to the hospice nurse we found out that pacemakers can be turned off, and that they can keep a heart going way past the life of the person. This was something we didn't want, so we told the nurse to turn it off, they do this with a magnet. It was a help.

My sister headed home since daddy was in bed and finally sleeping and so was mom and both of us were exhausted and needed sleep. I finally fell asleep around 3:00a.m. The call from the nursing home came in around 5:00a.m. telling us that if we wanted to say good bye and see her one last time we should come straight over.

When we got there within 20 minutes, my sister was walking in ahead of me and says she saw mom's chest rise, I didn't, when I got there, seconds behind my sister, I knew my mother was dead. I could see it, I'd missed the last breath but I knew I hadn't missed her by much and that she might have still been there to say goodbye.

The nursewalked in and was starting to tell my sister all sorts of stuff, I have no idea what, when I said, "My mom isn't breathing". This stopped the nurse cold, she immediately checked my moms heart and breathing and she was indeed dead.

My mother Frances Mae Cali died at 5:25a.m. on February 21, 2011. She was 87 years old, she had two daughters, Carol and Janice. She is survived by her loving husband of 67 1/2 years Lloyd William Cali.

She was a smart, talented, and loving woman. She had a difficult and very hard childhood but after marrying my father she had a loving and happy life. The last 40 years were more than most people have in a lifetime.

They traveled, they entertained close friends and they were loved by friends and family. Mom made a home for all of us and devoted her life to her beloved Lloyd.

Frances was a success by any standards you wish to apply, she was self educated, and very well. She could sew a suit, win any sport she tried, and talk to presidents (yup she got to meet a couple). All this with an 8th grade education and a poverty stricken childhood.

My Mother, Frances, was by any standards an amazing woman and I'm very proud to say she was my mother. She was very special and I will miss her until the day I die.

But now my sister have to devote ourselves to making daddy less lonely, help him find peace with his loss, and ease his pain however we can. When we've done that we can mourn our mother and our loss.

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February 21st 2011 @ 18:26

Posted By: Janice M Cali - Category: No Category

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New Roof and Arkansas

The Mountains of Arkansas

Last week was a very expensive one for me. After all the torrential rains we've been having my roof finally gave out. Now mind you that roof wasn't all that old, had cost more than a couple of $$$ and now it needed replacing. That was more than a shock. $6500.00 to replace a nine year old roof, that should have lasted 15 to 20 years. This would be the third or fourth, depending on how you look at it (I'm not going to explain now maybe later).

But, on the good side I got to take a nice long day trip. Jerry and I decided to go up to the Ozarks, just over in Arkansas and, you'll never believe it, Oklahoma.

Remember I'm the pessimist in this group so looking at the good side of anything is very unlike me, but I am. I believe that this is a good thing, it's going to save me some very costly ceiling repairs, repairs to the walls, etc. So a new roof is a good thing.

And, because I didn't want to be here the whole time they were roofing I ran away to the Ozarks and got some really nice pictures which is today's reason for me writing this blog.

Below are some of the pictures I took while we were in the mountains. Please remember the Ozarks are some of the oldest mountain ranges in the Continental USA and therefore are not the highest, most dramatic in the country, they are merely some of the most beautiful.

The first photo, above, is of the mountains of Arkansas and in the distance, Oklahoma. Some people mistake these for the Smokies but in reality they are the beginning of the Ozarks. Imagine the distant mountains are at least 100 miles away.

Mountain Lake

I love the mountain lake. It is in a state park, Queen Wilhelmina State Park to be precise. This is a lovely state park with a great lodge at the top of one of the mountains. It was so nice, a restaurant in the lodge with an overview of the surrounding mountains. The lodge is open year round and I can just imagine how nice it would be to sit outside wrapped in warm clothes with a hot toddy just watching snow come down and the silence that snow brings. Then going inside and sitting by the large stone fireplace. It's a dream and maybe it will come true this winter. I'm going to save up for that trip.

The Trees, though bare, have a great view

This was a strangely enticing scene. Not the best photograph of the lot but this is how the trees now look. One reason is all the rain we've been having in this area, it has washed most of the leaves off the trees so the color is mostly gone. Until you look back at the mountain and the roads.

Amazing Arkansas Stick Bugs

As we were driving off the mountain we stopped to take some pictures and at this one pull off there was this wood seat, well it had been, and there was a whole bunch of stick bugs. These are the most amazing bugs, designed to impersonate sticks on trees or the ground. The female is the largest of the bugs and the males considerably smaller. What we came upon and photographed was a mating of stick bugs. There were about five smaller male bugs and one large female. It was amazing, funny and at the same time lovely. The bugs are fantastic to view and finally only the two were left.

As we got ready to leave the romantic stick bugs, a stink bug came over the top of the wood the others were on as if to say, “what the hell do you think you're doing down there? There are people watching!.” He was a very judgmental stink bug. Unfortunately I didn't get a good picture of the stink bug or I'd put it in here too.

Judgemental Stink Bug

Finally, as we were leaving the mountains I looked back and saw the road, with the glorious colors that fall brings. I was able to imagine the colors as they had been about a week before. Unfortunately the previous week was a rainy one so I wouldn't have been able to see the the colors in the glory of their light with the sun shining down on them. Maybe next year.

Arkansas Fall Road

As we drove off, there was this through the window. Not a great photo but the mountains saying good bye.

Good bye Sunset

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November 10th 2009 @ 03:42

Posted By: Janice M Cali - Category: No Category

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Aargh! My Dog Has a Domain and Blog!

Roux 'b Doux, watching

First of all let me say that my typing is horrible right now, as is my spelling, but with luck my spell checker and grammar checker (horribly wrong many times) will catch most of the mistakes. Maybe, maybe not.

I've been gone a lot lately, my blogs have suffered as has my writing. I've been diagnosed as bi-polar, which frankly sucks but also explains some of my behavioral problems. I tend to be more than a little impulsive when manic, I spend a lot of money when manic and I say and do strange things when manic. When depressed, well you've seen some of that so we won't go into it. Right now I'm manic, but not out of controlled, I'm also on the brink of depression due to many things that the real world, as I call it, is imposing on me. I'll write about these soon, but right now I want to write about my dog, Roux 'b Doux.

Roux, pronounced Rue, is a black standard poodle. She just tuned 10 on October 9th and I've had her for 8 ½ years. That's a long time and frankly I love her to death, well not actually but figuratively. Anyway Roux is a hoot, she has a great sense of humor (note smile in above photograph), and enjoys the company of other dogs, especially greyhounds.

Well, a few months ago Roux decided she wanted to write her own blogs, I know I mentioned this previously. She has done so, I'm not overly impressed with her writing but she's doing all right. Recently she posted about her Australian greyhound friends and how my first greyhound has several Australian greyhounds in his pedigree. She is very proud of this since she thinks of Colt as her lost brother, since he was my first “heart hound.” I'm not going to explain this term, it is self explanatory, suffice to say this is a term I learned from one or two of the greyhound groups I belong to and it is very fitting as a greyhound can worm his way into your heart and steal it, forever, through life and into death.

Colt, Roux's Brother

OK, Roux got her blog. She has done the writing herself, it is much like my style but not at the same time. She writes in a much stiffer style, I don't think she is all that comfortable writing in “people” as she would be if she wrote in canine. But, get this Roux has gotten her own Orble domain. Since there weren't any Poodle Dog domains available, and the only pet one was about alpacas, and she didn't even know what those are until I explained, she didn't want that one. Most of the miscellaneous ones were not of her liking but she did find one under, I believe, relationships, that she thought fit her and her perspective on her relationship with people and other critters who are not Poodle Dogs or Greyhounds, of which she is a member through the auspices of her Australian greyhound friends.

She has chosen www.peopleareweird.net. That's my Roux 'b Doux. Always putting her opinions where her bark is. You see she has never truly understood the human race, and she probably never will, she does honestly think people are weird. She doesn't understand their thinking, their refusal to understand a Poodle Dog's desires and needs and their unwillingness to bow to the, perceived, superiority of said Poodle Dogs and Greyhounds. We have had many debates on this subject and will probably continue to do so.

Roux, Distain Personified

Now, I'd like to ask you, how do you tell your dog, your companion of 8 ½ years that writing a blog is just not what a “Poodle Dog” does, that getting a domain for said blog is just not done? She won't listen, she never has. Getting this stubborn, hard headed canine to listen has always been a trial, and will undoubtedly continue to be one.

It is my unfortunate task to tell her she doesn't and won't have many readers. They will be expecting something similar to the person who was previously writing for the domain. The previous readers won't want to hear what a dog, even one of her caliber, has to say. Whether on relationships or not, they just won't understand the perspective of a Poodle Dog. Again, I ask, just what am I to tell her?

If you have any suggestions I'd greatly appreciate them. I don't want my beloved black poodle dog to think she is being rejected, and I don't want her heart to be broken, but I'm afraid she is in for a huge disappointment, you see, most of her friends haven't even found her current blog, and it is doubtful that they will even now.

So, I'll just have to tell her, her blog just isn't entertaining, funny or even relevant to people. We will have a long discussion on the subject, she will refuse to believe me and she will sulk, but with luck I'll be able to soften the blow and get her to give up on this blog. You see, she insists on using my laptop and I need it, but when she wants it she whines until I give in. What am I to do? I'm canine pecked.

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November 5th 2009 @ 06:28

Posted By: Janice M Cali - Category: No Category

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Mind in Chaos

Brain on Fire

For the past six months, probably more, I've been on an emotional railroad, up one day down the next. Many think this is a fun, being without control of your emotions. I know in the 1960's many used drugs to achieve this state, and some still do, but mainly they use drugs to dull their minds.

I'll have to admit that I didn't want to lose control of my emotions, I feared and abhorred the idea, I still do. The thought of dulling my mind was equally abhorrent and continues to be so. Unfortunately both of the states have been achieved, without my willing, or sometimes knowing, participation, over the past 20 years, at least.

Without my knowledge, diagnosis and without my will, I've been unwittingly sliding into the illness called bipolar. This is something I've dreaded over the past few months, that this diagnosis would become a reality, not knowing that it had been true for the past 20 years.

It started when I had to have a second surgery on my back back in 1989, I'd been in a nursing home for several months, and the experience was hellish, then I had the surgery, I was run down, physically and emotionally, the nerve in my back badly damaged, and I almost died on the operating table. How do I know? I felt it when I woke up and there were two nurses and an aide in the room taking my blood pressure every few minutes, a specialist came in to check something, that I don't remember, and my doctors were both scared. This was a hint.

I'd been out of control of my life for several months, in and out of the hospital and nursing home, not capable of taking care of my life, my bills, my home or my career. So it was inevitable, when I got out of the hospital, back at work, living my life, I lost control of my spending habits, something I'd never experienced before. Buying things felt good, and I felt good. Then the depression, the panic and anxiety started. That was my first experience with having Manic and Depressed mood swings and with PTSD. As I've stated in other posts, I'd suffered from depression off and on for years, but not the manic moods, now they were starting.

When I had to file bankruptcy, I regained control, for a few years, at least of my spending. Not my depressions, but I didn't go into a manic phase for a good while. After my car accident, I lost control and went manic again, I spent $4200.00 in three days on a shopping network, buying gems for jewelry I wanted to make, but didn't yet know how to do so. Not the brightest thing I'd ever done. It took several years to work my way out of that hole, but I did, and I didn't slide into Manic again for a while, but did suffer depressed states frequently, some that lasted for years.

I started going into a major manic state at the end of 2007. I had to have the front of my building rebuilt, and I'd decided to open an art gallery. Silly me, but I started spending money, and it got out of hand, completely. After the gallery failed due to circumstances I couldn't control, I, again slid into a depression, but this didn't last long, due this time to my involvement with greyhounds, and their needs. I saw the chance to have an on-line business, one that sold all types of things for dogs. This failed too, mostly I think because I tried to have too many things, didn't finish the web site, plus the economy failing didn't help.

Since those days, I've been up and down, a continuous fight between my manic me and my depressed me. I managed to spend, with the rebuilding of my facade approximately $27,000.00 between October 2007 and February or March of this year. That's less than two years. I was amazed at how stupidly I behaved. Only a maniac spends that kind of money with a very limited income. And the key word is maniac, the word actually means a person who is manic, that would be me. But it wasn't until last week that a doctor finally confirmed something my therapist and I have been discussing for months, I am Bipolar, aka Manic/Depressive. I can experience a manic faze for moments and a depressive one within the same hour, fluctuating several times within a day. This is not fun.

I continue to be amazed at how long it has taken my doctors to realize this, and me, of course, but you see when you are in the midst of being manic you don't really realize it, and when you're depressed all you focus on is your depression and your search out of that dark state, or giving up.

Last week was a low spot in my life, one I hope I never reach again, I wanted to die and was almost willing to make that happen. I admitted myself into the hospital, again. This time a different one, one that specialized in mental illness, not one with just one small unit dedicated to this horrible disease.

Something many people, including my elderly parents, seem to forget, mental illness, in all it's varied and diverse forms, an illness, a disease, several diseases, all about chemical imbalances and genetic disposition, etc. These illnesses run in families, some more than others, but an interesting statistic, every family in the USA has at least one member who has or will have a mental illness, and I suspect this statistic is carried throughout the world, some more than others.

The major problem faced by those of us with mental illness is treatment, diagnosis is a problem and can be a major one, but treatment is still the most difficult for us. Many of the ways to treat these illnesses involve many anti-psychotic drugs, these drugs can cause problems, mainly horrible side effects, in and of themselves. I'm fortunate, I'm now, on two drugs and some very strong vitamins that are not causing me too many side effects, one can and does cause me a major headache if I don't sleep it off, it helps with sleep, and sleep in someone with bipolar disorder, a term I now despise, can be rare and very hard to come by, I need at least six to eight hours of sleep to sleep off this drug and when I don't get it I find that I'm grumpy, have a headache and become manic more easily.

These are two drugs that I was on before I went into the hospital I was already on, so what's the difference? I'm not on one that I was on when I went in, I'm no longer on Diazepam, aka Valium. I've been on Valium since 1999 or 10 years. The dose for more than six of those years was very low, no more than four milligrams, then the doctor upped it to six milligrams a day, or two milligrams three times a day. By the time I went into the hospital this time I had been on 12 milligrams a day, against my own judgment I want to add. I'm not sure when my psychiatrist upped my dose to 12 milligrams but I remember that he did so because of the frequency of the panic and anxiety attacks I was having and the severity of my depression.

Blurred Confusion

Another problem I was having and was complaining about especially to my therapist was my lack of focus, I couldn't concentrate and over the past two or three months this was getting worse and worse, along with my ability to think clearly, function at the levels I'd been used to, for the past few years, my ability to think clearly, to function at a high mental level had been decreasing.

It had never occurred to me that these two problems, severity of depression, fluctuating mood from manic to depression and mental functioning could be attributed to the Valium, but it could be. It hadn't occurred to me until lately that maybe the drugs I was on could be contributing to these problems, but a few weeks ago, it began to be an obsession, I wanted off all my drugs for my depression, all of them, and I decided that this was going to be my goal, it had to happen because I no longer knew what drugs were working and which weren't.

When I went into the hospital, I stated this wish, the doctors there agreed but only discontinued Valium, it took them seven days to discontinue it, with loads of B12 shots, it seems that B12 is used for detox support from many drugs, and Valium is one of the hardest and most dangerous to detox from, alcohol being the top in the most dangerous, at least it used to be, I haven't checked lately. The good news was that just my body was addicted, I didn't care if I took the drug or not, but my body did, it was necessary physically, not emotionally. Mentally it was causing more problems than not.

Valium, I've decided had become highly toxic to my system, it was one of the main causes of the constant shifts in mood, it was the cause of my mental inability to function at the levels I had been used to, and it was the cause of my inability to focus on one thing for any length of time. Am I completely clear of Valium? No, that could take months, but it is happening. Have I had any cravings for Valium? Yes, one or two, but not enough to even tempt me to take any, ugh, to that. Am I functioning at a higher level? Maybe, but not completely. Am I more focused? Almost, not there yet, but achieving more focus daily.

So, the lessons of this post, know your own body, take part in your treatment, if your doctors don't talk to you about your drugs, what they can do, and what they may do to your body and your mental functioning, make them tell you the facts.

If your doctor doesn't talk to you, there might be a problem and you might have to insist that your doctor be more communicative. Take an active part in your treatment, research your drugs so you can know the most common side effects, don't dwell on these, just be aware of them, and what your body is saying when you take them.

The single most important thing, in my opinion, know your body, be aware of what your body says to you daily, hourly, minute by minute. Your body, your brain will always tell you when something is wrong, sometimes it takes us longer to hear, to listen or even be aware, but eventually we will hear, and we must be willing to trust our own instincts.

If your body or mind is telling you that a drug is causing harm, then talk to your doctor, tell him what you feel, make him listen!

Not all doctors want to listen to what you feel about their medical advice, if you have one of those, one who, even after you have insisted he listen refuses to believe that you have knowledge beyond his expectations, it might be time to change doctors.

I don't, and wouldn't, recommend this lightly, but what good is a doctor who doesn't work with his patient? Who isn't willing to believe that, just maybe, his patient might know what's happening in his body more than he does? If you are in a mental state that doesn't allow you to have good judgment about your body or mind, then have an advocate work with you with your doctor if you feel that something isn't right with you and with your relationship.

Finally, don't stop any drugs without the advice and assistance of a doctor who is well versed in withdrawal from that drug. An example of wrong, is my current, but soon to be past, psychiatrist, he recommended that if I wanted to stop Valium, I could do so by cutting the dose in half for three days and then stop. This is extremely poor advice, and without support from B12, and perhaps, other drugs, would have been impossible.

It is my sincere hope that someone learns through these posts. I don't do them just for me, I do them for others who might have the same problems, but different, we are all different, so differences pop up in the way we need treatment.

Next post will give you a look at the inside of a modern (?) hospital that specializes in mental illness and addictions. Stay tuned, it might take some time, focus is still difficult but I'm getting there.

“Blurred Confusion” photography copyright 2009 Janice M. Cali
“Brain on Fire” photography copyright 2009 Janice M. Cali
Painting, “Agitated Confusion” copyright 2001 Janice M. Cali
Painting, “Fire Fronds” copyright 2008 Janice M. Cali

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October 22nd 2009 @ 21:42

Posted By: Janice M Cali - Category: No Category

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Some Photographs from Me

Natalina has inspired me to post some pictures. But not those that I love by other artists, but some that I love that I've had the pleasure of taking. They don't necessarily have great artistic value, but they all have some meaning to me. Maybe a memory of a spring day's drive in a convertible, maybe traveling down a Texas back road after an ice storm. Any number of reasons. I hope you enjoy them, and thank you, Natalina for the idea.

Mostly fall images from East Texas

Trees plus weeds

Lake with fall trees

Natural Seat Tree

Sometimes we really do have a winter, it's short, and snow is rare, for that matter ice storms have been too, for a few years, but we're due.

Canoes await spring

Sliding in the snow? Cold

Redbud Tree in Bloom, it's February

I dream of the cars I'd like to have, these are some of them. I especially love the first one, impractical though it might be, ahhhh. Oh, these are not my photographs, except the Volvo.

My Volvo Convertable, dreams can come true

Not my favorite but quite yummy

A 2003 Mercedes Convertible has to be my favoirite, even before the Volvo

The 2009 Nissan Murano, what I'll probably end up with when the $$ comes in, some day far far away

Oh, we're going to end with some photographs of my critters. Without the new one, still can't find the damn cable to down load my photos.

My first greyhound, Colt, he died young and I still miss him

A very young Roux 'b Doux

My second greyhound, GemGem aka Gemmers, he was very old when I got him and didn't live long after I got him

And my final greyhound, he died in May this year, Roux and I still miss him. Max, no photo, is helping Roux to over come her depression.

Zeus always loved his blankies, he'd let Roux rearrange them first so he'd be more comfy

Well there you go folks, an excess of photographs. Can you believe how I can emulate Natalina and then post way too many photographs.

Thanks for reading, and most importantly looking.

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October 4th 2009 @ 02:03

Posted By: Janice M Cali - Category: No Category

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Life is Strange

In My Face

It's dawned on me recently that although I've developed a stutter and the shakes, not constant but frequent enough to be very irritating, that my life is getting better. The picture is one of my Zeus when he wanted something, or wanted to comfort me, I'm not sure which, but he had this habit of getting right in my face and saying with those big brown eyes, “hey! Mom! What's up with you? Come on let's do something, at least rub my ears.” That was my Zeus. He could help with any mood.

What I'm coming to realize is that I don't want to do the things other expect of me, JW wanting me to join with him in his new MLM scheme that is, as you all know, guaranteed to make money, and this one he really believes in, and probably will make money, but I don't want to work that hard. Anyone that tells you that making money on the internet is easy is nuts, and lying to boot. It is hard work, you have to get in touch with thousands of people to get just one lead, you have to be able to sell yourself as much as you sell the product. No matter how good, honest and useful, the product you have to sell yourself as a good, honest and helpful person who will help the person who also buys into the product or service through you. You are then their sponsor and if you don't work at your job, they can't get anywhere with theirs unless they are into mass marketing and spamming. Not always a good idea, especially with some products or services, who do not want to be associated with spam.

What the hell is she talking about, you ask. I'm talking about JW getting me to buy into a very good service MLM that I have no idea what I'm doing, that I don't want to work at, that I have been working my ass off for the past two and ½ weeks and I'm tired, I don't have time for anything else, and I'm frankly tired of it because I don't like MLM, even if this one will work, eventually. But until it does pay off it will cost me money I don't want to spend.

So, how do I get JW to accept that I don't want to do this, I've invested too much money in it to just drop out, I should at least get my money's worth out of it, which means that I need stick it out another month, actually three weeks, and then quit.

Enough of that, but before I leave, I say I'm not going to tell you what the service is, this isn't the place, if you care, check FoodMage on Twitter.

Now, what have I accomplished, if anything, during the last few weeks. First, I've changed some medicines, nothing dramatic, but it's the one that helps me wake up after taking the one that makes me sleep at night, and without it, I'll then continue to be sleepy. Oh, well, trade offs are always happening. If I stop shaking and stop stuttering, than that's the medicine that caused it. If I don't I'll restart it and stop the one that helps me sleep. How much fun is that.

Well, I got one of the bookcases that was in the kitchen, it held most of my cookbooks, empty and moved. I've almost finished the second one, which is going to a friend when it's empty. I've emptied the built in one of the rest of my cookbooks so they are now all near where I work, I can grab one and keep working, yeah right, that's the problem, I don't have time to work on my blogs because of the stupid thing that JW has me working on, but I'm going to start again. Hell in one month I made $1.35, which means I'll be making a living at this if I do it every day for the rest of my life and collect a whole bunch of readers, right?

Yesterday, I went grocery shopping at reputedly the best grocery store in Longview, it is good, I didn't get to the whole store, but the prices were almost twice those of where I normally shop, and the product was much the same. I'd been told that they had a great Asian aisle, they don't, it's barely adequate. No fish sauce, only one package of rice noodles, no lemon grass, no pepper sauce, which to be honest I can make myself, I do have the recipe. And they had the smallest bottle of Thai Peanut Sauce I've ever seen for $4.99, hell I can make that too, I have all the ingredients, so, I spent a small fortune, for me, and didn't get half the goodies I wanted. So, I won't be going there again. Much as I hate Wally World, I'll do some there and I'll do the rest at the good local grocery. There I can ask them to get some of the things I want and they'll try, which is a good thing.

What else have I done this week? Humm, I made a mess of my coffee table, I've started rearranging some of my books, they are in a small shambles and need to be reorganized, get all the books that aren't cookbooks out of the shelves that contain the cookbooks, and into another shelf, which I discovered that I have actually two shelves available for books, I'm amazed!

I did get some things in the studio done but not much. Next week it will get finished or I'll have some heads. Some people might lose their jobs, ok, they won't because replacing them would be a major pain in the ass, and I like both of them. But we are going to have words about why they should be here when I tell them, not when they feel like it. That they should use their brains instead of sitting waiting for someone to tell they to pick up a mess that has been created either by me or by them, they should pick it up, it's their job.

Then, my therapist, on vacation for two weeks, I didn't see her for three, saw her last night and she was rested and seemed happy, and again, she picked on me. She's decided that pushing my buttons is the thing to do, and I don't like it, but I have to take it, in order to get my current life straightened out. I mean, there is all this baggage I've been carrying around for decades, it's time to unload it and move into a new decade and move into it with a new attitude and belief that a new start is a good or better thing.

Now she wants me to investigate my feelings about JW, look at our convoluted relationship and decide how to untangle it, stop letting him get away with the stuff I let him get away with, see if I want a relationship with him, and if so, what type, and if I don't how to I untangle what we have or if I want to. This is quite a dilemma and not one I particularly want to work on. She does have a habit of hitting on those things that I need to study, analyze, and in many ways make decisions about, I've been known to call her a bitch, and so she has been lately, but unfortunately that's been and is being good for me. Damn it!

I've made the decision that next week, come hell or high water I will get the studio finished because I have something like five commissions I haven't even started and this could eventually be a problem. Another Damn it!

But the one thing that I'm happiest about, I can't find a thing to feel sorry for myself about. Sure I still have the bill collectors calling way too frequently, and I'll probably have to file bankruptcy, sure, my mind still runs away from me sometimes, but not as frequently and not as radically. I still have depression, anxiety, panic, fibromyalgia, arthritis, and other problems, but I'm basically healthy, I have strong organs, you know heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, etc. so internally I'm great, bones, muscles, that sort of thing, OK, they're a mess, sort of, but who cares, I have meds that help with that and can function pretty much as long as I take them. So, I'm much better than I was just a few months ago, and that's a very good thing.

So to those of you who read this to see how miserable I am, sorry to disappoint, I'm not. To those of you who read this to find some help for your problems, read carefully, there is a whole bunch of help here, you can get better and you can enjoy life even if you have symptoms of an illness.

Enjoy life, it's just too damned short to spend it in misery. Besides you might live a whole lot longer than you planned and being miserable is a whole less fun than being happy and enjoying life. Go for it.

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September 26th 2009 @ 16:17

Posted By: Janice M Cali - Category: No Category

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Roux b Doux Takes Over

Roux Grinning Over Victory

I do not believe it, but Roux went and got her own account and her own blog right here on Orble. I told her she was not allowed to have her own account because she was a dog, but she wouldn't listen to me. Partly she was being a stubborn poodle dog and didn't want to use my account for her blog because she felt she wouldn't get credit for her writing.

She had been assured that I would let everyone know that these blogs were written by her, and I agreed to help her type them, and make her image etc., but she wanted her own background, not mine, although I assured her that each blog I created could have it's own background, she chose not to believe me.

Well, nothing was said for over a week so I felt she had dropped the idea, or so I'd hoped, how wrong I was.

Yesterday I had to go out for several hours, OK, about 2 ½ which was just enough time, evidentially, because when I got home she greeted me at the door, screaming monkey in mouth, bright smile on her face, doing her poodle dance, which she only does when she's really excited. I was happy that she was feeling better and that she felt like poodle dancing.

I'd had to leave the computer on, because there was a scan running and it seems that with Vista that nothing continues to run when the computer is asleep, so I left it on, and I found the evidence right there on my screen.

Roux had written a blog about Zeus and friends, and things that made so little sense, seemed disjointed to me. I asked her about it, she said she wanted to write things about dogs that people didn't know because they weren't dogs. Only dogs really know how and why dogs do different things. She hoped that people would write and ask her questions so she could inform the world from a dog's point of view.

My thoughts were, fat chance, first she has to get readers then she has to keep writing these blogs, and without any help on my part. She wanted me to help her create the way her blog looked and I said no. If she was willing to delete her account, I'd repost her blogs under my account and I'd then create her page exactly the way she wanted, but again, her poodle stubbornness set in and she wouldn't have it. So there you have it my friends, my dog is now a blogger with two blogs under her paws?

I wish her well but I doubt that it will last long, I mean, she just doesn't type all that fast and it's really tough for a dog to type, much less spell. I don't know how she's doing that. She goes and uses the desktop if I'm using the laptop. I think she might right when I'm asleep, but I'm not sure, because I'm asleep.

Later y'all.

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September 20th 2009 @ 03:57

Posted By: Janice M Cali - Category: No Category

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Something Totally Different, Mostly

Hugs Help Everything

Today I want to take a totally different tact in my story. First, however, an apology for my writing. I seem to be having trouble connecting my brain with my fingers when typing. Sometimes I leave words out or use the wrong word. The typos my spell checker usually catch, but sometimes the wrong word goes in the right place or vis versa, the right word goes in the wrong place. That said, on with the new stuff.

Several year ago I started a list of things I want to do before I die, and I figure I have about 66 to 67 years ahead of me. I'm working on the getting in shape part of the things that I will do.

Roux Wants to Go Everywhere With Me

1.I want to take an outrigger trip between the Hawaiian Islands, single canoes, with two other experienced guides. This sounds like heaven, camp out on the beaches, carry our food and water with us. I saw this done on a travel show once when in the nursing home and knew I wanted that.
2.Travel the back roads of China, not the cities, get to know the people, try to learn some of the language, learn the cooking and the crafts that are still practiced in the small villages.
3.Go to Mongolia and ride one of their horses, they are really ponies and the saddles are strange but I want to do that anyway.
4.Go to Fiji
5.Take one year and travel around the United States with my camera and my computer so I can edit the ones I like and write about each day and where I went and what I saw, and try to get wild life photos as well as natural wonders, with which this country abounds.
6.Travel the Alaskan highway from British Columbia all the way to its end and then explore Alaska both on foot, by car, and by canoe. Meet people who live there year round.
7.Have a fresh salmon taco in Juno Alaska
8.In Maine find the place on the beach that serves the worlds best lobster sandwich.
9.With my family in New England have a real, honest to god, Clam Bake on the beach with clams we dig ourselves, I don't mind if we buy the lobster, crab and corn, but we have to dig the clams and clean them..
10. Own my own restaurant with food I make, or at least recipes that I create. That'd be cool.
11.Write a book that someone would want to publish and people would like to read.
12.Create a piece of art that a New York or Los Angeles or Dallas gallery would kill to carry, and a museum would buy.
13.Travel the back roads of all of Great Brittan, which would include Wales, riding Welsh mining ponies, Cornwall, Scotland and all places in between.
14.Once again wear a size 12 and look great in it.
15.Have plastic surgery to remove the excess skin from losing 200 lbs.
16.Get Married, maybe, but not live together full time.
17.Own a New Volvo SUV or Wagon
18. Have a travel trailer that the above could tow, and that had a satellite antenna so I could still access the internet.

Horses Run With Joy

19.Travel to Spain, specifically Andalusia obviously to see and ride the horses.

Not Austrailian Mountains, but close

20.Australia, the outback, the small towns, not the cities, although maybe Sydney to see the opera house, but am not sure. Would rather see all the big and small vegetable markets, meet the greyhounds I know, take Roux with me if she's still with me.
21.Have my farm, with goats, donkeys, ducks, geese, and chickens and of course my horse. Maybe more than two acres, see if I can buy the land on the other side of the stream back so we could let the horses and goats graze there too.
22.Learn to comb cashmere out of a coats coat, efficiently. Learn to milk a goat, learn to make goat milk cheese, and soap.

These are just a few of the things I want to do before I die, and I will, I have a strong belief that somehow, somewhere these are predestined to be things I accomplish. So there.

There is a number 24, actually it's number one:

Old Glory, Fly High, Fly Free

See the Tricentennial of the United States of America, with peace and freedom still in tact and our liberties still in place, and our government serving the people as our founding fathers planned when the wrote the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, and the Consideration. I saw the Bicentennial, and I plan to see the tricentennial that gives me approximately 66 ½ years to do everything else. I'll make it, I'm stubborn I am. Just you wait and see.

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September 18th 2009 @ 20:59

Posted By: Janice M Cali - Category: No Category

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Aching, Tired and Frustrated

Hug Your Dog, Feel Better

As you can see from the title of this blog I am experiencing three basic emotions, or other feelings. I'll hit the first one, first (how logical of me).

Aching, it is normal when the weather is damp, extremely, coolish but not yet cold. Because of arthritis and fibromyalgia damp, regardless of temperature hurt, hot and humid tend to hurt more than cold and damp, but right now the weather is between the two. So it's running in the mid-80's temperature while we have had rain since, last Friday. A little long to be experiencing this weather, especially when the gloom is a little hard to deal with for such a long period of time.

Second, Tired. Yeah, mostly my own fault, I'm staying up way too late again. Between 1:00 and 3:00 a.m. every night for about four days. This is not a good thing. I take medication that knocks me out but I have to take it much earlier than I am. Last night I took it at about 1:20 a.m. and decided to read for a while, not bright. I found myself having trouble focusing on the book in about 10 minutes, at 15, I realized that it was definitely time to turn off the light and sleep. But I had to put the phone in its charger, across the king sized bed, a long reach unless of course I moved over, which I did, having to negotiate around Roux, she was sleeping up near the top of the bed and I didn't want to disturb her if I could help it, I like her too much and she won't warm my back if I move her. So, here I am, curled around a black poodle dog, shoving pillows out of my way, and I've turned the light off and I need to find the charger on the night stand, which I finally did. Crawled back across the bed to my side, and had to adjust the bed to the proper sleeping position, it's adjustable and both sides have to match or it's very uncomfortable, because I usually end up right about where the two halves of the bed meet. It's one of those king beds that are really two twins put together.

Now you know that part of why I'm tired, now the reasons I'm staying up so late. I've taken on two projects. One is Jerry's fault, the other is my father's. The first, Jerry's. He's always searching the internet for businesses he might be interested in and might actually be able to make money with. Normally he doesn't find one, or he finds one, buys into it only to discover he doesn't want anything to do with it and writes it off. This time he found one that he really liked, mostly I think because it has many of the real money making on-line marketeers, and second because it deals with reselling hosting services, plus a bunch of other computer related services, something he knows a lot about. I do too, but not as much as he does. Anyway, for about three weeks he's been working like crazy on this project, selling quite a few affiliates, etc. He told me that he'd tell me when it would be a good time for me to buy in, for a $1.00 two week trial, and if it didn't work for me in the two week trial, I could cancel and he'd give me my dollar back. So, he told me that it was time, I think last Friday. So, on Monday I bought in, then the launch of the project going public was delayed for two weeks. But the new pre-launch was announced for tomorrow. Find, I'd wait, I still had a week. And I'd started doing all the things that you have to do to sell a product, regardless of whether it's something that people buy and take home or a hosting service. You've gotta sell it, get leads to possible people who might be interested, etc. This takes a while. But I'm working on it a lot. But it's tiring, emotionally draining and frankly frustrating. You see you get about one sale for every say 1000 people you contact. Sigh, this might take a while. But it is a good product so I figured, I'd stick with it, maybe even after the two week period which means that I'll have to pay $44.95 for every month that I don't cancel. I can't actually afford that but if the project works, then it will be worth it. But, building a new web site, getting out emails, searching for leads, etc. is mentally and even physically tiring.

The second project, that will take another eight hours a day, at least, do research on my mother's and father's families. They want to know more about their families. First, my father has lost track of many of his cousins, their childresn, etc. Then he wants to know more about my mother's family which has been here since the mid 1600s. Personally, I'd like to know more too, especially since mom doesn't know anything, really, about her father. She knows she had aunts, but doesn't know who they were. She knows her mother had about six sisters but also knows very little about them. So, I get to do a whole bunch of research. Fortunately daddy was willing to pay for a month of Ancestry.com. Which is one of the best places to do the research. I used up my two free weeks, so not it's pay by the month.

So, that's why I'm tired, and probably will be. Add a migraine that's been hanging on for about five days, not one that's blinding, at not all the time, but just enough to be very uncomfortable.

Third, Frustrating. Yeah, just read most of the above. All of those projects, what I have to do to make them work, and the research for my parents at the same time, then you add the physical problems, and the migraine, it's pretty frustrating. Then you can add the fact that I've been getting the shakes, badly, mostly in my right arm, but sometimes in my left too, these shakes can last us to 15 minutes and are very tiring. And the topper, every once in a while I start to stutter, not just one word at a time, but every word is almost impossible to get out, I have to stop and use the next word to be able to talk at all. This doesn't happen as ofter as the shaking, but try typing with the shakes, or having an intelligent conversation with someone when you can't get words out. And then a new problem has started popping. I may have mentioned that I type about 70 wpm, that's fast, and I'm usually accurate, very accurate. Well, now when I'm typing, I know what letters I want to type but my fingers will type other letters or put all of them in the wrong order, even though I know exactly what I want to type. Can you imagine what that's like, if I don't correct the mistakes, which can take up to four tries than you'd be reading almost impossible words. It's kind of like stuttering with my fingers instead of verbally. Fun ain't it.

Yes, I'm seeing a doctor about it. My regular doctor on Friday, my neurologist in another week, and hopefully having an MRI sooner. Actually an MRA which includes the veins and arteries. I can hardly wait.

Well, I'll keep you in touch with the foibles and erratic behaviors of my mind and body. Meanwhile, I'm just going to enjoy myself as much as I can, maybe I'll stop correcting the typos that my fingers want to make and my brain let's it.

Photograpy "Hugs" copyright 2009 by Wanda J. Purifoy

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September 16th 2009 @ 20:17

Posted By: Janice M Cali - Category: No Category

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Janice M Cali's Blogs

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Mom's Going Away Party	Death and feelings	New Roof and Arkansas
Aargh! My Dog Has a Domain and Blog!	Mind in Chaos	Some Photographs from Me
Life is Strange	Roux b Doux Takes Over	Something Totally Different, Mostly
Aching, Tired and Frustrated	Brain verses Body	Contentment and Happiness Arrive
Life and Mind Upside Down	Cloudy Days	Medication Screw-up