Janice M Cali
Amazing!
Life Actually Continues
I can't believe it, since I last wrote that I had a good day, I've had two more (I think it's two). With the exception of my DSL being down all day yesterday, well into the evening, things are going quite happily. Oh, I've had my downs, but they have been few, and not too bad. Mostly I've been creative.
Can you believe that I wrote another complete story in just a day and a half? I can't. And I'm still working on the one that's going to be longer. But somehow a few sentences pop into my head, the start of a story, and I have to write it.
The one I wrote yesterday, and the night before, started out as I'd envisioned it, but as I wrote it, it seemed to take on a life of it's own. I'd envisioned an woman, somewhere around my age, sitting in front of a window watching life pass her by and then deciding that she wasn't all that old, that it was time to leave her small town and get out and live. And she did. But that isn't how it happened at all. Now I ask you is that right? A story taking over my brain and fingers and writing itself? I think not, but what can I do? Don't know, we'll just have to wait and see what happens when I try to write another one.
So, I'm feeling fairly balanced, not too deeply in a depression and not manic, mostly as I said balanced, which is good, I think. Although I do have to admit that I kind of like manic. I get so much done, cleaning (sort of), sorting through stuff, designing how my house should look, you know the small things, but big at the same time. And I can do all these things so fast. I can get a bunch of stuff packed in nothing flat, or so it seems, and I can shove stuff around, with some help, and have a room looking more or less as I'd planned. Sometimes I do have to change the look but at least I get a change so I can sit and plan more changes.
It is amazing how much a manic mood can help me achieve, although sometimes, I do have to admit, even though I'm manic my body doesn't want or can't keep up with the energy. That bugs the hell out of me, I so wish my body would keep up with my mind, but somehow I've aged, gotten broken some, and my mind of 30 lives in a body that's been beaten up, broken down, and is now 63, but just the body, I always remember just the body has aged, my mind hasn't, it's gained knowledge, experience and a lot of unwanted shit, but all in all, the brain/mind is doing surprisingly well age wise. I think I will always be a 30 year old kid, refusing to grow up, except in the ways of the world, those I know, might dislike most of them, but I know them, and if I want, or must, can usually deal with them.
I sure hope you notice the difference in that last paragraph to the ones I write when I'm in the troughs of a depression, it is so amazing to me what I can say and believe when I'm feeling like me instead of that person I am when I'm too depressed to face life, any life.
Wow, am I happy that things are changing or what?
Later gator (Did I really say that? Amazing)
I'm Happy! Really!
I can't believe it, since I last wrote that I had a good day, I've had two more (I think it's two). With the exception of my DSL being down all day yesterday, well into the evening, things are going quite happily. Oh, I've had my downs, but they have been few, and not too bad. Mostly I've been creative.
Can you believe that I wrote another complete story in just a day and a half? I can't. And I'm still working on the one that's going to be longer. But somehow a few sentences pop into my head, the start of a story, and I have to write it.
The one I wrote yesterday, and the night before, started out as I'd envisioned it, but as I wrote it, it seemed to take on a life of it's own. I'd envisioned an woman, somewhere around my age, sitting in front of a window watching life pass her by and then deciding that she wasn't all that old, that it was time to leave her small town and get out and live. And she did. But that isn't how it happened at all. Now I ask you is that right? A story taking over my brain and fingers and writing itself? I think not, but what can I do? Don't know, we'll just have to wait and see what happens when I try to write another one.
So, I'm feeling fairly balanced, not too deeply in a depression and not manic, mostly as I said balanced, which is good, I think. Although I do have to admit that I kind of like manic. I get so much done, cleaning (sort of), sorting through stuff, designing how my house should look, you know the small things, but big at the same time. And I can do all these things so fast. I can get a bunch of stuff packed in nothing flat, or so it seems, and I can shove stuff around, with some help, and have a room looking more or less as I'd planned. Sometimes I do have to change the look but at least I get a change so I can sit and plan more changes.
It is amazing how much a manic mood can help me achieve, although sometimes, I do have to admit, even though I'm manic my body doesn't want or can't keep up with the energy. That bugs the hell out of me, I so wish my body would keep up with my mind, but somehow I've aged, gotten broken some, and my mind of 30 lives in a body that's been beaten up, broken down, and is now 63, but just the body, I always remember just the body has aged, my mind hasn't, it's gained knowledge, experience and a lot of unwanted shit, but all in all, the brain/mind is doing surprisingly well age wise. I think I will always be a 30 year old kid, refusing to grow up, except in the ways of the world, those I know, might dislike most of them, but I know them, and if I want, or must, can usually deal with them.
I sure hope you notice the difference in that last paragraph to the ones I write when I'm in the troughs of a depression, it is so amazing to me what I can say and believe when I'm feeling like me instead of that person I am when I'm too depressed to face life, any life.
Wow, am I happy that things are changing or what?
Later gator (Did I really say that? Amazing)
