Janice M Cali
Brain verses Body
Roux Watching Over All
Things have been going really good around here. I've been staying reasonably busy, have gotten more done around the house. I even crocheted a tea cozy, I finished it today, it was about a day and a half project total time. I also am working on my wall hanging because I just got the yarn to finish it. Then I can start working on the decorations that are going on it.
Tomorrow I'll be working on the studio, I'll be trying to get it organized enough so I can start doing some work that I've wanted to do for ages but have been putting off because the whole room is something of a major mess. I'll have it done in about a week, but if I can get the drafting table area cleared and a work place cleared enough to get some painting done that I owe some people. If they aren't great but are good enough, than that should be something, I'm pretty sure they'll accept good, instead of great. Or even good enough, not my favorite term for my work, but acceptable by some people, and since these aren't commissions that are being paid for but are commissions for favors for friends I met in the hospital, I'll do my best but if it isn't up to my standards but is passable, or good enough, I'll settle because I'm pretty sure they'll accept them. If they don't they can tell me and I'll redo them. All I want is for them to be good enough for my friends to tell their friends and then to recommend me to people who can pay for my work. I'd like to get some paying commissions, that would be very helpful.
And then yesterday I saw my shrink, good visit, we love to talk to each other about all types of things, how I'm doing, if I need medicines adjusted, how my dog's doing, how's my sex life, that sort of thing. Then we talk about his family, his dog, the new one that is only 8 weeks old and they are having trouble potty training him, but then they've never done this before, it's hysterical. Then we talked about his beaver, the one in his lake that's chopping down the trees his wife planted. I suggested he plant more, or trap it and let me let it go out in this area where there are a lot of beaver ponds or ones where the beavers were either trapped, killed, or just left. I know a couple where one would do well. I think he's going to keep planting trees.
Right after seeing him I went to the store and did some grocery shopping, bought the yarn I needed to finish some goods, you know the wall hanging, etc. Then we went to lunch because I was starving because I hadn't had much breakfast and it was well after 2:00 at that point.
While at the store I got the shakes, a little, not bad but some. When we got to the restaurant while ordering I started to shake and stutter, I haven't had a stutter in ages, when I was about 18 or 19 and it was never bad, it was mostly because of nerves and stress. But yesterday, was weird, I couldn't speak a complete sentence without stuttering, and doing so badly. I almost had to sit on my hands to hold them still. It was completely exhausting.
It got so bad I called my doctor while were eating. After talking, or attempting to talk to my doctor's nurse, I got the message to go to the emergency room and get a MRI or a ct scan, I opted for the ER nearest home since I had groceries in the car that I didn't want to go bad, even though that one only had a CT machine and no MRI. If needed, I could always go get an MRI with an appointment instead of a two to four hour wait at one of the big ER centers that were available. So I went to the small one. I didn't like the answers I got, so I decided to schedule a visit with my neurologist, but can't get into see her until the end of the month. Not my choice. So I called my regular doctor and asked her to make me an appointment to get an MRI at one of the big hospital med centers sooner than the end of the month.
Why you ask have I decided to have this done? The entire left side of my face aches from my cheek up to my head, not quite the top of my head, but part way to the top. It is weird and uncomfortable and very tiring. So... there you have it.
Now here's the weirdest thing, Roux is staying closer than usual. She's keeping an eye on me, and that is weird. Usually she stays close, and watches most of what I do but she doesn't watch me. I think she knows that something isn't right and is guarding me, as she does sometimes.
Me, I'm worried, but not really scared, just a little, I was assured that I haven't had a stroke, which I believe, but I don't like the pain in my head and face, I have the strangest feeling it is my brain turning my body against me again. It's done that before usually when I'm doing something that is either not good for me or not doing something that I should do for myself. Now all I have to do is figure out the which if that's what it is and why. It's so much fun when this happens and Laura is out of town for another two weeks. Damn, and now I need her.
Life would be so good if only my mind would let me let go of everything that I need to let go of, money worries, friendship worries, my parents, my sister, how much I need a vacation, how much I'd like to sell my home and move to the country, you know all the things that I need to let go of... and just let things happen and be me, and let the me who exists, be enough, I might even find I like me, or the me that I am now.
Oh, one good other good thing, I heard from the man with my horse, which is still my horse. It seems that he's been mostly in the hospital since about a week after I left. I remember we talked a lot about wounds, I'd had a really bad one that was infected badly with a MSRA and took almost two years to heal, R. showed me one on the bottom of his foot, it had been there for quite a while. It seems that he has diabetes and that causes wounds to heal slowly. Well one day his foot was swelling badly and he had to take his shoes and socks, not white either as they should have been, and I asked to look at the wound, it was draining, I gave him hell and told him to go have the nurses change the bandage NOW. Of course I was the patient and he not, so of course because he's a stubborn man and I'm just a bossy woman, he didn't do anything, right then. Evidentially after I left one of his toes started changing color and finally he couldn't ignore it anymore. So he got to his wound doctor and he was immediately admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics, which he is still getting as an out patient and should be for about a month. The type he's getting are the nasty ones, require a thing called a “picc” line (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter), this is a line that is fed up the vein for about a foot, maybe more, and left there so an IV can be hooked up to it, either daily, or whenever it is determined he needs the antibiotics. Fun isn't it. Anyway, that's why I hadn't heard from him. He's been pretty sick, and I think my Dr. S called him and told him I was worried and beginning to think he'd been an hallucination, or a figment of my imagination, or something and besides if I really had a horse I'd like to see it and I'd like to see it soon, or just give me his address and I'd go see him myself. So there! But I do have a horse, as long as my friend R* is all right, and hopefully doesn't get really sick and not tell someone about what he promised me, isn't that selfish of me? Don't misunderstand, I'm worried about R* because I really do like him, but I would like my horse too. Does that sound selfish, or unfeeling, or something? I hope not, but dreams are always dreams.
I'll write again later. Oh, the picture, is one of Roux watching me with a slight smile on her face, Doggess (as she calls her) bless her.
Photograph Copyright 2008 Wanda J. Purifoy
