Janice M Cali
Cloudy Days
The World Spins and It's Cloudy
Today's a cloudy day. I hate cloudy days because they make me sleepy and sad. I don't like feeling sad nor sleepy when I have things I want and need to do. Sadly when I'm unable to function due to sleepiness or sadness, nothing gets done. Or almost nothing. I've been able to work on my crocheting, the wall hanging piece, it's almost done, but not quite.
The crocheting part is almost done, but the embellishing part hasn't even started yet. I did tell you I was making a wall hanging didn't I? Well that's what I'm making, it started out with a piece of crocheting that I did in the nursing home when I'd had my car accident. I couldn't seem to stick to anything, drugs probably, but I managed to get about four or five inches done, width wise, and probably about two feet, maybe a little more, in length. Then I put it away and forgot about it until recently when I found it again when cleaning my studio, they there it was, an almost full ball of yarn, my small piece of crocheting, single crochet for those of you who understand the terms, and I had just bought about four or so skeins of red yarn, a nice deep red, so I decided to meld the two together, using two threads of yarn at once, and the two colors, white and red, but I also decided to double crochet, which is bigger than single crochet. Anyway, when I go the first row done, I realized I had a minor, or perhaps not so minor problem, the double crochet row was going to be wider and longer than the first part. But I persevered, after running out of white I just continued with two strands of red and now, after something like 11 skeins of red yarn and one of white, I'm almost done. But I digress, somewhat.
One of the things I learned while in the hospital was that crocheting, once you got better at again, which I promised did take a while, but once it did get better you can do it while your brain thinks about all sorts of things, you can watch TV, have a conversation, it becomes mechanical, almost. It is soothing, relaxing, and frankly, therapeutic.
So, my big project is almost done, crocheting wise, now comes the creativity part, the embellishing, adding of beads, perhaps feathers, and ribbons, I'm not sure which, or how many but I'll figure it out. Then paint the dowel rod for it to hand on, sew it on the dowel, and hang it. Done. And another thing is done, gone and no one but me will appreciate what it meant to me. It will be my first piece of fabric art and no one will ever understand what went into it emotionally, for me. I'm sad over that. I'm not even sure anyone will even like it and or even appreciate the piece. Hell, I'm not sure I'll even like it when I'm done.
It is just one of the sadnesses of today. So many, loneliness, futility, hopelessness all those things that cloudy days bring on, I just wish the rain would go away and the sun would come out and help me feel like a new person again. Like I felt when I just got out of the hospital, the last couple of days in the hospital.
There are all those doubts that are creeping in about people I thought I could trust and now I doubt their honesty. My doctor, who I've always trusted, lied to me, or I thought he did, I'm pretty sure he did, but did he do it on purpose or did he do it because he was scatter brained from doing too much and he thought he'd talked to the people he hadn't? Did he just want to avoid saying no to me about things he claimed other people were saying no too? I just don't know anymore and distrusting my doctor isn't something I want to do, it is almost distasteful, I like my doctor and not trusting him is the first step in not believing in him and what he does for me.
Then there is the man who said he was giving me a horse, a beautiful Arabian Stallion, one of my life's dreams. I haven't heard from him, I've written to him, but have not called, since I would have to call him at work and don't want to do that.. But did he lie? Did he really mean I could have the horse, or was he just being nice, humoring me, or trying to get me off his back, what? I just want people to be honest with me, not lie, not about things that will hurt so much if they prove to be untrue. I don't like that idea.
A long time ago I lied almost compulsively, why? Because I would have done almost anything to fit in, if I had to be one person for one group or individual, I would be, if I had to be someone else for others, that's the person I'd be and one has to lie to fit into so many niches, so I did. I'd tell people untruths. Then it just became a habit to lie. I'd lie about almost anything, not for any reason, but because it was easier, or because it was more glamorous, or I would be more important, or I'd be something, anything, but who I was, I really didn't like me and I'd lie to be anything but who I was.
Then at some time, when I started maturing, not growing up, something I hope never to do, I realized how useless being anything, anyone but who I am was futile. Of all the futilities of this world, not being true to yourself is the most futile, it is useless. Because when you lie to others about who you are you lose yourself and finding yourself is harder and harder and eventually you're lost and some false, fake person takes over and you like that person even less because that is not the person you want to be, the person you should be. So, I stopped lying to myself, at least a little at a time, and more and more I became the person I should have always been, but it was slow. It took so long. Now I'm almost there, but it took one more step, I had to promise to stop lying to others about anything that would or could hurt them, not me, but them. I did that, I made myself that promise, occasionally I slip, but when I do I try to make it right when I do, I fix the lie, I tell the truth. It makes a difference.
But because of these changes, these promises I've made to myself, like I won't kill myself, promises to me, my family, my few friends, and even to God, I tend to trust everyone, but then the doubts start to creep in and I wonder, did I do something wrong to make all this happen, what's wrong with me? What did I do to have people lie to me, or did I do something, anything at all?
All these thoughts come pouring in when I'm sad, but the doubts, the mistrust has been creeping in a lot lately. I wish I could have proof that I wasn't lied to, I pray that the horse is true and honest, I'd like one of my dreams to come true, while I can still enjoy and take advantage of, have fun with it.
Life today is hard. It is everyday, but some days it is harder than others.
I know it will be better, soon, I know this, because I have faith in God or Someone, Whoever he or she might be. I believe that there is a purpose for me in this life, I'm not sure what it is, I'm not sure if I'm even headed in the right direction, but I sure hope so, I mean I only have about sixty some years left to get it right, God willing, modern medicine, and my determination holding out.
Remember it is always gloomy on rainy days, but sun does come out, eventually, and life gets a little better. And there is always a reason to live, if you only look deep enough.
Me
Photograph "World Spinning" copyright 2008 by Janice M. Cali
Sydney Table
Salty Popcorn
Total Randomness
I like rainy days - I look at it as the day to wash away all the crap and then when the sun comes out everything is clean and fresh again and you can't beat the smell of rain on the pavement after the sun has been on it, it's nature taking a shower
I hope you get your horse - Arabians are out of this world beautfiul horses.
Take care & good luck with finishing your crochet.
JK
I and Me
Just Writing
It's strange, I used to love rainy days, especially in the springs, I'd go out and play in the rain, garden if it wasn't too heavy, but now they seem to cause mood swings. I'm working on that though.
And I too love the smell of the air after a good rain, fresh, clean and the grass, trees, and everything look so much more green and beautiful. The smell of pavement, not so much, but better than the oily smell that you normally get.
So yes, I love it after rain, just not during so much. Although you'd think that after the summers we have in NE Texas I'd be thankful for our first rain of the unofficial Fall. It did cool things off quite a bit.
JMC
Speech Starter
Health Matters
I and Me
Just Writing
Thanks, the sun is playing in and out today. I'm feeling better because, one Jason's reminder of what a blessing rain is, nature taking a shower. And people who write here and remind me I'm not here all alone, but with others who read what I write.
Thanks, Janice
Sydney Table
Salty Popcorn
Total Randomness
Janice