Janice M Cali
Death and feelings
How long has it been since I've posted here? Absolutely have no idea, but it's been a very long time and for that I apologize. And now I'm going to enter again with a very long one. Please be patient and read through it. I won't be editing it, probably can't but I'll do my best to be cohesive and clear in what I write. Welcome back dear readers, and remember I write these for myself, and for anyone who can learn something from them. Thank you for waiting for more from me.
Life here has been very difficult, my parents entered a nursing home about two years ago, something I never wanted and was against. But they made the decision and they were sticking to it. Daddy was going down hill quickly and mom hadn't been in good health for quite awhile.
Neither my sister nor I were able to take care of them, and they wouldn't allow us to do so if we could. So they trotted, not literally, off to the nursing home near my home and my sisters. It's a nice facility, good people and very caring staff.
We were encouraged to decorate their room in any manner they wanted so we did. The walls were painted a dark reddish brown, a new floor was put in that simulated wood grain. Their bedroom dresser and night stands were put in and their favorite lift chairs, which they lived it, where also placed in the room. One china cabinet for mom's dragons was the final accessory. It was lovely, but as time passed got more and more crowded.
Daddy fell and hurt his back, badly, and was then in a bed full time. Mom continued to be in her chair, although ti was ruining an already miserable back. Finally last Christmas day she fell, again, and this time shattered her ankle. She was now in her bad. That made all the furniture, except the chairs, well one stayed for mom, if she was allowed to walk again. She never got the chance.
A couple of weeks ago daddy was hospitalized with pneumonia, we were surprised that he not only responded to the treatment, the fogginess that had clouded his mind, dementia by any other name is still dementia, was cleared somewhat. He was much more lucid for longer periods of time and was discharged eventually. He returned to the nursing home and was home about five days when mom was sent to the same hospital, with an undetermined illness. The nurses at the nursing home were just worried because she was going down so rapidly.
When she got to the hospital ER, she was admitted with probably congestive heart failure and a UTI (urinary tract infection). He doctor didn't agree with this and decided she was suffering from sever dehydration, and a mild UTI. He continued the antibiotics but changed from the glucose drip to a saline drip with vitamins and other goodies in it. Both doctors were right.
Mom had stopped eating in January, she'd eat just enough to keep her going, drink a fair amount but not a lot, and wasn't hungry. We were becoming very concerned before she went to the hospital, but as she never complained anything, never said her stomach hurt or that she was nauseated, we weren't terribly worried. But in the hospital it became apparent that there was a very serious problem. She couldn't keep anything down, not even water. The doctors had a CT preformed on her abdomen they found a "possible" small bowel obstruction.
Mom and daddy both have DNRs, these are directives for Do Not Resuscitate, which also means no extraordinary measures to prolong life. They are 87 and 88 respectively and to take extreme measures would actually be cruel, or so their thinking went and my sister and I agreed. Why did I mention this, because if mom had an obstruction it would require surgery and at her age, her health and such, surgery would have been extraordinary measures.
Anyway, by Saturday mom had perked up a lot, ate dinner with no problems and was told that if she was still doing well on Sunday and able to eat breakfast she could go home.
We told our father this, and were very happy, celebrating even, since early in the week it looked like mom wouldn't live much longer. On Friday I saw her early in the afternoon, she was asleep but grey around the mouth, and breathing uncomfortably, when I saw my therapist, remember I'm mentioned her in the past, I told her I'd be surprised if mom lived past Tuesday.
Because of this, I had decided to go back to the hospital that evening after dinner. When I got there they were taking vital signs for shift change and mom was awake and her thinking was clear, heck she could even hear clearly anyone speaking to her, something very unusual, since she was deaf, very deaf. But not Friday night. My sister came in and we talked, I couldn't believe the change. and as I said by Saturday she was doing great, although I did notice a decreased ability to understand and process information. My sister and the nurse weren't sure I was right.
Sunday, I decided to take the day off, I'd just go to the nursing home in the evening after mom got there. My sister had to head in the direction of the hospital anyway so she'd stop by check on mom and take her the things she'd requested.
When Carol got there mom was doing very well, she'd finished a good sized breakfast, and was talking about going home, quite excited. Suddenly, and I mean suddenly, she was having difficulty breathing. My sister got the nurse in there who called the doctor immediately, meanwhile mom has gone from excited to labored breathing, to barely conscious.
The doctor got there quickly, he was doing rounds anyway, and told my sister that she should call any family since he didn't think mom would make it very long. My sister asked if they could help her survive about 4 hours, long enough for us to get the nursing home to bring my father to see her. He said they'd try and they did. They not only tried the managed.
My father got there early afternoon, and mom and he talked for about an hour. Both lucid and thinking clearly. I'd already told daddy that mom was dying, he had a terrible time accepting this but did and was reasonable calm when he talked to her. They said their good byes and were more or less at peace with mom's death. Or so it seemed.
We got daddy seated comfortable in a recliner, next to mommy's bed, so he could hold her hand, mom slipped into an uncomfortable sleep with the help of some Demerol and daddy sat and held her hand. They brought dinner for her and daddy, but she wasn't awake and couldn't eat anyway, so I got to share dinner with daddy while he watched mom.
After he'd eaten, he said, loudly and clearly, "Mommy can't die, I'm not ready I need her to stay with me." This woke mommy up, of course, and suddenly she changed, the peace was gone, replaced with what I've seen many times in my mother, determination and resignation. She would try to stay with daddy longer, even though it was going to be hard.. Daddy repeated the same thing several times. Mommy squeezed his hand and he calmed down.
At this point I knew we had to get daddy back to the nursing home, he was fading quickly, tired and ready to lay down in a bed, not a recliner. He need to rest and sleep. Suddenly it hit me, get mom back to the nursing home too, since the hospital couldn't do anything for her, except maybe make her comfortable, she could be taken care of just as well at the nursing home with daddy and people she knew. We would also get hospice out to care for her.
The doctor and the hospital staff agreed that this was a great idea, and arrangements were made. Daddy was taken back to the nursing home in their van, which they had left for us so we could return him. And hospice was contacted and an ambulance arranged for mommy.
On the way to the nursing home her blood oxygen level dropped to 50 which meant she was getting almost no oxygen. When she got to the nursing home, the nurses and aides got her settled quickly, daddy sitting beside her holding her hand. The hospice nurse had just given her some morphine to relax the muscles that were knotting and making breathing not only more difficult but painful. Hospice's goal is the comfort of the patient not the survival.
It was talking to the hospice nurse we found out that pacemakers can be turned off, and that they can keep a heart going way past the life of the person. This was something we didn't want, so we told the nurse to turn it off, they do this with a magnet. It was a help.
My sister headed home since daddy was in bed and finally sleeping and so was mom and both of us were exhausted and needed sleep. I finally fell asleep around 3:00a.m. The call from the nursing home came in around 5:00a.m. telling us that if we wanted to say good bye and see her one last time we should come straight over.
When we got there within 20 minutes, my sister was walking in ahead of me and says she saw mom's chest rise, I didn't, when I got there, seconds behind my sister, I knew my mother was dead. I could see it, I'd missed the last breath but I knew I hadn't missed her by much and that she might have still been there to say goodbye.
The nursewalked in and was starting to tell my sister all sorts of stuff, I have no idea what, when I said, "My mom isn't breathing". This stopped the nurse cold, she immediately checked my moms heart and breathing and she was indeed dead.
My mother Frances Mae Cali died at 5:25a.m. on February 21, 2011. She was 87 years old, she had two daughters, Carol and Janice. She is survived by her loving husband of 67 1/2 years Lloyd William Cali.
She was a smart, talented, and loving woman. She had a difficult and very hard childhood but after marrying my father she had a loving and happy life. The last 40 years were more than most people have in a lifetime.
They traveled, they entertained close friends and they were loved by friends and family. Mom made a home for all of us and devoted her life to her beloved Lloyd.
Frances was a success by any standards you wish to apply, she was self educated, and very well. She could sew a suit, win any sport she tried, and talk to presidents (yup she got to meet a couple). All this with an 8th grade education and a poverty stricken childhood.
My Mother, Frances, was by any standards an amazing woman and I'm very proud to say she was my mother. She was very special and I will miss her until the day I die.
But now my sister have to devote ourselves to making daddy less lonely, help him find peace with his loss, and ease his pain however we can. When we've done that we can mourn our mother and our loss.
Life here has been very difficult, my parents entered a nursing home about two years ago, something I never wanted and was against. But they made the decision and they were sticking to it. Daddy was going down hill quickly and mom hadn't been in good health for quite awhile.
Neither my sister nor I were able to take care of them, and they wouldn't allow us to do so if we could. So they trotted, not literally, off to the nursing home near my home and my sisters. It's a nice facility, good people and very caring staff.
We were encouraged to decorate their room in any manner they wanted so we did. The walls were painted a dark reddish brown, a new floor was put in that simulated wood grain. Their bedroom dresser and night stands were put in and their favorite lift chairs, which they lived it, where also placed in the room. One china cabinet for mom's dragons was the final accessory. It was lovely, but as time passed got more and more crowded.
Daddy fell and hurt his back, badly, and was then in a bed full time. Mom continued to be in her chair, although ti was ruining an already miserable back. Finally last Christmas day she fell, again, and this time shattered her ankle. She was now in her bad. That made all the furniture, except the chairs, well one stayed for mom, if she was allowed to walk again. She never got the chance.
A couple of weeks ago daddy was hospitalized with pneumonia, we were surprised that he not only responded to the treatment, the fogginess that had clouded his mind, dementia by any other name is still dementia, was cleared somewhat. He was much more lucid for longer periods of time and was discharged eventually. He returned to the nursing home and was home about five days when mom was sent to the same hospital, with an undetermined illness. The nurses at the nursing home were just worried because she was going down so rapidly.
When she got to the hospital ER, she was admitted with probably congestive heart failure and a UTI (urinary tract infection). He doctor didn't agree with this and decided she was suffering from sever dehydration, and a mild UTI. He continued the antibiotics but changed from the glucose drip to a saline drip with vitamins and other goodies in it. Both doctors were right.
Mom had stopped eating in January, she'd eat just enough to keep her going, drink a fair amount but not a lot, and wasn't hungry. We were becoming very concerned before she went to the hospital, but as she never complained anything, never said her stomach hurt or that she was nauseated, we weren't terribly worried. But in the hospital it became apparent that there was a very serious problem. She couldn't keep anything down, not even water. The doctors had a CT preformed on her abdomen they found a "possible" small bowel obstruction.
Mom and daddy both have DNRs, these are directives for Do Not Resuscitate, which also means no extraordinary measures to prolong life. They are 87 and 88 respectively and to take extreme measures would actually be cruel, or so their thinking went and my sister and I agreed. Why did I mention this, because if mom had an obstruction it would require surgery and at her age, her health and such, surgery would have been extraordinary measures.
Anyway, by Saturday mom had perked up a lot, ate dinner with no problems and was told that if she was still doing well on Sunday and able to eat breakfast she could go home.
We told our father this, and were very happy, celebrating even, since early in the week it looked like mom wouldn't live much longer. On Friday I saw her early in the afternoon, she was asleep but grey around the mouth, and breathing uncomfortably, when I saw my therapist, remember I'm mentioned her in the past, I told her I'd be surprised if mom lived past Tuesday.
Because of this, I had decided to go back to the hospital that evening after dinner. When I got there they were taking vital signs for shift change and mom was awake and her thinking was clear, heck she could even hear clearly anyone speaking to her, something very unusual, since she was deaf, very deaf. But not Friday night. My sister came in and we talked, I couldn't believe the change. and as I said by Saturday she was doing great, although I did notice a decreased ability to understand and process information. My sister and the nurse weren't sure I was right.
Sunday, I decided to take the day off, I'd just go to the nursing home in the evening after mom got there. My sister had to head in the direction of the hospital anyway so she'd stop by check on mom and take her the things she'd requested.
When Carol got there mom was doing very well, she'd finished a good sized breakfast, and was talking about going home, quite excited. Suddenly, and I mean suddenly, she was having difficulty breathing. My sister got the nurse in there who called the doctor immediately, meanwhile mom has gone from excited to labored breathing, to barely conscious.
The doctor got there quickly, he was doing rounds anyway, and told my sister that she should call any family since he didn't think mom would make it very long. My sister asked if they could help her survive about 4 hours, long enough for us to get the nursing home to bring my father to see her. He said they'd try and they did. They not only tried the managed.
My father got there early afternoon, and mom and he talked for about an hour. Both lucid and thinking clearly. I'd already told daddy that mom was dying, he had a terrible time accepting this but did and was reasonable calm when he talked to her. They said their good byes and were more or less at peace with mom's death. Or so it seemed.
We got daddy seated comfortable in a recliner, next to mommy's bed, so he could hold her hand, mom slipped into an uncomfortable sleep with the help of some Demerol and daddy sat and held her hand. They brought dinner for her and daddy, but she wasn't awake and couldn't eat anyway, so I got to share dinner with daddy while he watched mom.
After he'd eaten, he said, loudly and clearly, "Mommy can't die, I'm not ready I need her to stay with me." This woke mommy up, of course, and suddenly she changed, the peace was gone, replaced with what I've seen many times in my mother, determination and resignation. She would try to stay with daddy longer, even though it was going to be hard.. Daddy repeated the same thing several times. Mommy squeezed his hand and he calmed down.
At this point I knew we had to get daddy back to the nursing home, he was fading quickly, tired and ready to lay down in a bed, not a recliner. He need to rest and sleep. Suddenly it hit me, get mom back to the nursing home too, since the hospital couldn't do anything for her, except maybe make her comfortable, she could be taken care of just as well at the nursing home with daddy and people she knew. We would also get hospice out to care for her.
The doctor and the hospital staff agreed that this was a great idea, and arrangements were made. Daddy was taken back to the nursing home in their van, which they had left for us so we could return him. And hospice was contacted and an ambulance arranged for mommy.
On the way to the nursing home her blood oxygen level dropped to 50 which meant she was getting almost no oxygen. When she got to the nursing home, the nurses and aides got her settled quickly, daddy sitting beside her holding her hand. The hospice nurse had just given her some morphine to relax the muscles that were knotting and making breathing not only more difficult but painful. Hospice's goal is the comfort of the patient not the survival.
It was talking to the hospice nurse we found out that pacemakers can be turned off, and that they can keep a heart going way past the life of the person. This was something we didn't want, so we told the nurse to turn it off, they do this with a magnet. It was a help.
My sister headed home since daddy was in bed and finally sleeping and so was mom and both of us were exhausted and needed sleep. I finally fell asleep around 3:00a.m. The call from the nursing home came in around 5:00a.m. telling us that if we wanted to say good bye and see her one last time we should come straight over.
When we got there within 20 minutes, my sister was walking in ahead of me and says she saw mom's chest rise, I didn't, when I got there, seconds behind my sister, I knew my mother was dead. I could see it, I'd missed the last breath but I knew I hadn't missed her by much and that she might have still been there to say goodbye.
The nursewalked in and was starting to tell my sister all sorts of stuff, I have no idea what, when I said, "My mom isn't breathing". This stopped the nurse cold, she immediately checked my moms heart and breathing and she was indeed dead.
My mother Frances Mae Cali died at 5:25a.m. on February 21, 2011. She was 87 years old, she had two daughters, Carol and Janice. She is survived by her loving husband of 67 1/2 years Lloyd William Cali.
She was a smart, talented, and loving woman. She had a difficult and very hard childhood but after marrying my father she had a loving and happy life. The last 40 years were more than most people have in a lifetime.
They traveled, they entertained close friends and they were loved by friends and family. Mom made a home for all of us and devoted her life to her beloved Lloyd.
Frances was a success by any standards you wish to apply, she was self educated, and very well. She could sew a suit, win any sport she tried, and talk to presidents (yup she got to meet a couple). All this with an 8th grade education and a poverty stricken childhood.
My Mother, Frances, was by any standards an amazing woman and I'm very proud to say she was my mother. She was very special and I will miss her until the day I die.
But now my sister have to devote ourselves to making daddy less lonely, help him find peace with his loss, and ease his pain however we can. When we've done that we can mourn our mother and our loss.
