Janice M Cali
Death
Waiting for Death
Death in any form tends to upset me, piss me off, and generally make me more than a little angry. Useless, needless and self-inflicted death does more then upset me, it pisses me off, completely.
This past year I had a friend die of brain cancer, she was 63, and a vibrant, life loving woman who had lost her husband when she was 45. She raised their two children alone and did a very good job. She had young grand children, and she died. I was and am still angry, but this will pass.
Today a friend called me, she's a nurse who specializes in psychiatric patients. She does home visits from one to three times a week, depending on the patients needs. She works closely with a psychiatrist, who is excellent. She called to tell me she would be gone for the weekend, why? One of her clients had committed suicide the night before, with no warning signs, none, and my friend is trained to spot those signs. She'd been working with this patient for several years. Now this pisses me off no end! My friend was so upset she gave her doctor her resignation, which fortunately he was wise enough to turn down. He told her to take some time off, call a therapist friend of ours, and go see her parents. She is doing all of the above. Thank God!
I have an opinion about suicide, I think it is more often not meant to happen, the person who attempts suicide is really trying to call for help, which is why so many don't succeed. Those that do, either, one meant to die, or didn't mean to but didn't get help fast enough.
Then I also believe, strongly, that suicide is the coward's way out. All you leave behind you is pain. Oh, you may not be feeling the pain that caused you to take this drastic step, but your family, friends, and everyone who cares about you does feel the pain, and it doesn't go away. Forever your family and friends are going to ask themselves, "why, what did I miss, what could I have done, why did he/she leave me? It's my fault I missed something, I didn't help enough." Your family will not get over this, they will not heal from it, they will always feel the pain of this loss, this needless, stupid loss.
Why am I ranting about it? It's such a waste, and yes, I've at times considered it, why because life got to be too hard, but I have a family that loves me, friends who care deeply, and very importantly animals who depend on me for love, security and affection. These animals would never understand why I left, nor would my family or friends. So I won't. Besides I'm not a coward and make no mistake suicide is the coward's way out.
So, if you suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, paranoia, whatever, get yourself to a doctor, if the one you're seeing isn't helping, change, it's ok to do that, doctors understand that not everyone is a perfect match. Then find a therapist who you can work with, and work, work, work. Most importantly, find the combination of diet, exercise and if necessary, drugs that will help. They exist, it may take years to find the right combination but you will find it. And always remember there is someone out there who cares whether you are alive or not, and your death would devastate them. Not a nice thing to do. If you don't believe there is someone, get a dog or cat or any other pet who would be totally dependant on you for love and affection and security. That responsibility could make the difference.
Death sucks, find a way to cheat it, I intend to do so. Just wait until 2076, I'll be watching the tricentennial and enjoying every minute of it.
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Thanks for sharing. Janice