Janice M Cali
Love and things like it
Comfortable Together
All right class, does everyone out there know what love really is? There will be a test later in life, those who fail will not be the happy ones. Sorry that's the way things go. Now for my wise insight, words filled with meaning and deep understanding of the subject, and, of course, my normal humility.
Love, real, true and lasting love, it's rare, really, really rare. One reason, no one out there seems to be willing to commit to a lasting and true relationship, the kind that requires work, day in and day out. The type of relationship that lasts takes hard work, commitment by both parties, and the willingness to put aside your own wishes to help your mate fulfill hers, so you can both enjoy them, then she puts aside her wishes to help you fulfill yours. But most importantly you both are always working toward a mutual goal, one you agreed on without even having to express it. You just knew what you both wanted, and yes you talked and continue to talk about it, because it changes as the years go by and goals are reached, or missed, or change. That's what life and love is, constant change and growth.
My parents wisely, I think, said a lasting marriage was not a 50/50 proposition, but a 100/100 proposition, each party had to give 100% of his or herself in order for the marriage to last. They have been married, this year in August, 66 years. Not a bad record. My sister learned the lessons they taught, she will be married 45 years in June. Amazing.
Personally, I never found anyone I was willing to give up that much for, nor did I find anyone I wanted to live with for the rest of my life. Oh, yeah, I've been in love, I think, once. I've been engaged nine, count 'em nine times. I was young and in love with the idea of love and marriage. By the time I reached 21 I knew better.
Now, I'm 60 something, and I find that I might love someone. Oh, not be "in love" with him, I don't want marriage, nor do I want to live with him, no I just find that I love him, in my own strange and somewhat bizarre way. What that is, I don't know exactly, it just is.
I find it very strange to love someone, other than family at this age, I'm not old, I have plans for the year 2076, and intend to make them, but I'm not what you could call a "spring chick" anymore either. I'm not beautiful, I walk with a limp, and on more than one occasion I tend to forget things. I also complain when I'm in pain, I let others clean the house, mostly, and I don't cook very often. But I can be fun to be around, I do read, watch movies, and work on a computer a lot. I'm also an artist, photographer, gardener, in a modest way, and I dream a lot.
Does this someone love me? Probably, in his own strange and somewhat bizarre way. Will he ever admit it, who cares, not important. I've discovered something. Love doesn't have to be all consuming, passionate, or even reciprocal, no you can love someone, quite happily without them loving you. It helps, a whole bunch, if they like you, but they don't have to love you.
How do I know he cares about me? I know because of the little things he does, with a smile, usually, and without being asked. He checks the trash, and takes it out if it needs it. He brings me a cold drink in the afternoon, without being asked. He goes out to dinner with my family, the ones from out of town, without a word of complaint, even though he'd rather be somewhere else. He'll help my parents even when it's not convenient, because I asked. He tells me it's time to get the hell out of the house and go for a ride in the country, and he's right, I've been in too long.
How do I know that I care about him? I worry about his health, when his allergies are acting up I remind him to take a benedryl, knowing he usually won't without someone mentioning it. I ask if he needs an aspirin when he starts rubbing his neck, usually he does because he has a headache. I let him use my car when his dies, why, because I know he'll take care of it, knowing it's mine. I help him plan his projects, even when it's just listening to what he wants to do, I help him figure out ways to do the things he wants to do, even when impractical, or difficult, because he wants to do them and he needs to plan projects for his happiness and health, needs to be busy, his way.
What else, it's the little things we do together. We both love to ride the back roads and discover new places in the country; old houses tucked back among the trees; we enjoy movies, the same ones, old and new, We enjoy going out to dinner, too much maybe, but we do. We are both old time geeks, from before there were geeks, we both know a work ethic but are tired of it and want to be lazy. We both have an abiding love of the land we live in, trees, and forests and hate timbering that destroys the beauty of a forest. We love dogs, cats and other animals and love watching them, cuddling with them, and having their company. We enjoy each others silences, we can be together for hours and not say more than a few words, and we are comfortable with that, a rare thing among most people. We both have dreams and can openly share them, regardless of how wild without embarrassment, because we know each other well enough to hope those dreams come true.
Is all this love, yeah, it is. Doe he know it, probably, he really is extremely bright. It's the little things that add up to the big things.
That's what life comes to when you are older, not the passionate,"I'll die without him/her" type of love, because you know you won't, at least I won't and either will he. But the type where seeing that person makes your day just a little better, you smile a little more, laugh a little more, and just feel more comfortable around him/her. If he left tomorrow, I'd be sad, but I'd recover and move on, he'd do the same if I left. But somehow I doubt either of us will. We're comfortable with each other.
Is he going to be happy to know I've blogged this, probably not, but I'm not too worried, I can always pretend I'm talking about someone else, he'd buy that one, bright, but willing to be fooled. Will he run away because I wrote this, doubtful, he has my car and I'd want it back. Will he yell and scream, nope he isn't a yeller or a screamer, but he might express his displeasure. But you know something, we will both weather that storm if it comes. We like each other.
