John Standley
OH VIENNA
IT WAS SNOWING AND WE WERE ON A MISSION TO DO A LITTLE SHEFAN ( ski drive) we had gone to visit a pal of ours who shacked up with an austrian. you see the austrians are so organised and frown upon us mere disorganised brits. The funny thing was when we arrived to stay in coners one bed flat/ apart ona weeks notice it didnt go down with the misses too well. Balls to it we thought and off we went .The sights and sounds in Vin was great ,but lets go and do a liddle shefan coner. He agreed , we will head up to simmering.
As we travelled up the alps it was wonderful to see.My only query was what about the ski gear .Oh said con we can hire that when we arrive. Anyway we did arrive to the hotel litteraly on the pist. The damn place was full of naked biddie s with there tushes and arses and cocks out. Talk about NOT shy if i looked at another grey bush i would sceam .We made light of the sauna situation oh i forgot to mention it was for pets also .So youde be walking along the corridors and come across a load of cat shit. my husband is allergic to cats and kicked it politely to one side, the cat shit that is.
We relaxed that night.The next morning we were up at 7 o clock, and down at the hire shop ,only to find all clothing booked out for a week talk about the 6 Ps. PRIOR PREVENTION PREVENTS PISS POOR PERFORMANCE. which i do abide by in buisness,any way the skis were avail. I put them on and headed down the baby slope with the guidence of mr coner, the not so good himself self taught ski er I was good as im athletic anyway .My husband and kids opted for the tobogans, now i know why. The hardest bit was getting off the bloody moving chairs to the top of the drive . Iwas on the deck more times than enough.After plenty of practices all of 7, Coner pointed over the road and up the mountain. HOW DO YA FANCY THAT THEN LINZ. I looked up to see ants on a slope it was that high up .Ey i said come on lets go.
On the mountain i was scared as hell. I looked like n amature as the receptionist at the hotel was kind to offer three nineteen eightys shell suits belonging to her 6 ft 5 father. Talk about spot the tourist, My husbands was purple and green flash gorden stripes all over the torso.Mine was red bubble pants and coner went early fot the best pickings down to receptionThe pants of mine were tied with a belt ,and half way down the first part of the piste they fell down to my ankles.A couple of German shitsers stood in the wooden bar on the slopes drinking punch and pints of farting liquid shitzermaster brew whatever its called .They were hysterical laughing at my spindelly legs and g string on show. I then stopped with coner whilst i tied myself together ,he sparked up a spliff, which i dont smoke anyway i did have a couple of pulls on the scunk.
Away i went thrilled i was ski ing kids wizzing passed me not a bother on them. Ahead there seemed to be two runs as i shouted to coner behind which one? He replied straight on.Would you believe i was on the world cup run and no where to go but down. There was a family run to the right which i didnt take , i stood at the top of this henious mountain and nearly cacked myself. I looked back and proffesional skiers happen to come out of the woodwork ,i watched them down the death slide and thought i cant. Linzi saying i cant never heard of . Well let me tell you Coner did advise the snow plough i just couldnt visualize it .I braced myself and off i went tumbling on all four prongs and snapped ski laughing my head off with coner in tucks also. When i finally came to a halt the abominal snowman wasnt a patch on me .The ski hire barbie stylie shit pink and white boots were full of ice that i had to set off down on foot. I did put on a good hobble as to let the skiers know i was injured ( not). untill i reached the end when i strutted up to the bar doors and casually threw my prongs into the snow like a pro. I entered into the bar with a mouth as dry as a nuns crutch and ordered myself a pint of lemonade and a double vodka and coke. Afire eater stood on the roof of the bar and they blasted out let me entertain you the roof of the bar slid off slowly and snow was pouring in on our pints and heads . that night the boys said they were going for a sauna, yes i know what you 2 were after a bit of wrinkly old pussy and i dont mean the cats, i declined and soaked in a bath of bubbles and got in bed next to my warm and cuddly son,
As we travelled up the alps it was wonderful to see.My only query was what about the ski gear .Oh said con we can hire that when we arrive. Anyway we did arrive to the hotel litteraly on the pist. The damn place was full of naked biddie s with there tushes and arses and cocks out. Talk about NOT shy if i looked at another grey bush i would sceam .We made light of the sauna situation oh i forgot to mention it was for pets also .So youde be walking along the corridors and come across a load of cat shit. my husband is allergic to cats and kicked it politely to one side, the cat shit that is.
We relaxed that night.The next morning we were up at 7 o clock, and down at the hire shop ,only to find all clothing booked out for a week talk about the 6 Ps. PRIOR PREVENTION PREVENTS PISS POOR PERFORMANCE. which i do abide by in buisness,any way the skis were avail. I put them on and headed down the baby slope with the guidence of mr coner, the not so good himself self taught ski er I was good as im athletic anyway .My husband and kids opted for the tobogans, now i know why. The hardest bit was getting off the bloody moving chairs to the top of the drive . Iwas on the deck more times than enough.After plenty of practices all of 7, Coner pointed over the road and up the mountain. HOW DO YA FANCY THAT THEN LINZ. I looked up to see ants on a slope it was that high up .Ey i said come on lets go.
On the mountain i was scared as hell. I looked like n amature as the receptionist at the hotel was kind to offer three nineteen eightys shell suits belonging to her 6 ft 5 father. Talk about spot the tourist, My husbands was purple and green flash gorden stripes all over the torso.Mine was red bubble pants and coner went early fot the best pickings down to receptionThe pants of mine were tied with a belt ,and half way down the first part of the piste they fell down to my ankles.A couple of German shitsers stood in the wooden bar on the slopes drinking punch and pints of farting liquid shitzermaster brew whatever its called .They were hysterical laughing at my spindelly legs and g string on show. I then stopped with coner whilst i tied myself together ,he sparked up a spliff, which i dont smoke anyway i did have a couple of pulls on the scunk.
Away i went thrilled i was ski ing kids wizzing passed me not a bother on them. Ahead there seemed to be two runs as i shouted to coner behind which one? He replied straight on.Would you believe i was on the world cup run and no where to go but down. There was a family run to the right which i didnt take , i stood at the top of this henious mountain and nearly cacked myself. I looked back and proffesional skiers happen to come out of the woodwork ,i watched them down the death slide and thought i cant. Linzi saying i cant never heard of . Well let me tell you Coner did advise the snow plough i just couldnt visualize it .I braced myself and off i went tumbling on all four prongs and snapped ski laughing my head off with coner in tucks also. When i finally came to a halt the abominal snowman wasnt a patch on me .The ski hire barbie stylie shit pink and white boots were full of ice that i had to set off down on foot. I did put on a good hobble as to let the skiers know i was injured ( not). untill i reached the end when i strutted up to the bar doors and casually threw my prongs into the snow like a pro. I entered into the bar with a mouth as dry as a nuns crutch and ordered myself a pint of lemonade and a double vodka and coke. Afire eater stood on the roof of the bar and they blasted out let me entertain you the roof of the bar slid off slowly and snow was pouring in on our pints and heads . that night the boys said they were going for a sauna, yes i know what you 2 were after a bit of wrinkly old pussy and i dont mean the cats, i declined and soaked in a bath of bubbles and got in bed next to my warm and cuddly son,
