Panic!

Panic attacks are scary, terrifying and frankly not at all fun. They can last from 30 seconds to 30 minutes, rarely, at least for me, longer. But when they hit they hit fast and hard, out of nowhere. I just had one a couple of minutes ago and thought I'd try to describe it before the feeling went away, because I'm still shaky and a little fearful, and frankly still in the attack, it just isn't as bad as it was five minutes ago.

Here goes. I'd just come in from a drive in the country looking at property trying to decide what I wanted to do when I sell my house/building. I gave the dogs fresh water, got myself something cold to drink, water with a splash of orange juice. Counted that everyone had had their medicine for the night, the dogs and me and sat down on the bed. Suddenly I thought I would physically blow apart, my whole body felt terrifying, I couldn't understand what was happening, I didn't want my dog to touch me, I didn't want Jerry to say anything, I was so scared I was about to break and didn't know why. Suddenly, a light came on, PANIC ATTACK! Take a pill for it, I reached for my trusty Atavan (Lorazpam generically) and chewed it. Not instant relief but it gets into my system faster if I chew it.

Am I better now? No, not yet but I'm not feeling like I'm going to fall apart, or blow up or anything like that, I'm still twitchy, shaky and a little scared, but it's almost under control. I can think if I couldn't I wouldn't be able to write, the good thing is, writing helps get the panic under control faster, it makes me think coherently, the confusion and fear don't dominate my mind and my feelings are almost controlled, not completely but a little.

You can't imagine how it feels to think your whole body is about to fall apart, your skin hurts, your mind can't comprehend what's happening to you, you're sweaty, cold and hot, your eyes don't focus and you start panting instead of breathing properly, in other words you start to hyperventilate, not the most exciting way to try to breath, as a matter of fact you could quickly pass out by panting, dogs do it very well and for various reasons, people don't.

While you are feeling that your body is falling apart, your mind is already trying to figure out where to run to, where it can hide, it is looking for an escape, and it can't find one, the fight or flight reflex is in full bloom and flight is what you mind is looking for, and it can only find a few ways to escape, none of which are a good choice if you want to be rational in the future. One would be to retreat to a time where it was safe, many go to their childhood, other's just into blankness, neither is a good choice. Me I take a nice drug when this happens, it enables me to start to think, no it's not a permanent solution and not the healthiest, but it beats the hell out of the other solutions.

I remember when I first started having panic attacks, I didn't know what they were, but I'd sit on my couch curled up in as small a ball as I could, and stare around me waiting for whatever was going to happen to do so, it never did, slowly, very slowly I'd start to think rationally, but it took a long time, sometimes days. I could function at work, but I couldn't walk past my mailbox without fear and trembling.

Why I have them now I'm not sure, but I know they are disturbing and they are worse than they've been in years. I know they have to do with the unsettled state of my mind, my inability to figure out what I want to do with my life now that it has changed so much, and with the state of my finances, and many other factors, but how to control them without drugs, I'm still working on. Hopefully writing will help, and hopefully I'll remember to pick up my computer and start typing when they hit, but hopefully I'll also remember to take my pill when I need it.

That's another thing, when the panic attacks are really bad, they can be totally out of control, I don't remember that I have my little white pill that will help me get past the problem and do so very fast. I don't remember that I have a doctor, a therapist and a nurse I could call, any of which would help me remember the pill, and talk to me until I was calmer. When a panic attack is full blown, out of control, functioning rationally is almost impossible, calling for help isn't something you think of, you want to retreat from everything, everyone and most specifically yourself.

That's something else I have to try to remember when I'm having a panic attack, take my medicine, call someone and try to relax, learn to relax.

Now you know what a panic attack is like from my point of view. If you know someone who is prone to panic or anxiety attacks, they are different, but similar in appearance. Try to understand they are not capable of rational thought, they need someone to help them think, and get through the attack. Talking calmly and rationally without being bossy or pushy will help, just saying, "calm down," won't work and is quite likely to make matters worse.

You really have to try to realize that the person is terrified of their environment which includes you and includes them, and everything else around them. Sometimes touch will help, with some people it does, with some it doesn't, but just telling someone in the troughs of a panic attack to calm down is like telling a charging bull to stop, they are incapable of calming down, they need you to lead them to a calm place, quietly and with patience. And if they have drugs for these attacks they need to be reminded to take one, but only one.

Hope you now understand a little about this exciting world of panic. More later. I have to just chill now. Thanks for listening.

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