Janice M Cali
PTSD and Crazy Drivers
PTSD Brain
This week has been disturbing, more than odd, and very upsetting. It started with my usual depression but Monday it was augmented by my back, which as I posted in an earlier blog was very bad this week. Tuesday wasn't any better although I did manage to get some things done around the house with Jerry's help, not much but some. Then the weirdness started on Wednesday.
Wednesday I went to see my shrink, a very good doctor and a very concerned one. It helps a lot that I'm one of his favorite patients, yes, I'm bragging but if it helps me, it's all right. Anyway, my antidepressants haven't been doing much good lately, and we'd added a second to help, it wasn't. So after about 30 minutes with him we decided on a course of action. We would up the new antidepressant, change the was I take my amphetamine which I take for both ADD and to help me get out of bed in the morning, and we would change my dose of Valium. We aren't doing it all at once, we are changing one thing at a time, first the amphetamine, then the antidepressant, then the Valium. Or maybe we changed the Valium at the same time, my nurse knows but I don't.
Now if you are getting the idea that I take a lot of drugs, you're right, I do, but none are taken without a reason, even if I would kill to get rid of some of them, well maybe not kill but certainly go to extremes. But you see here's the catch, I don't take one drug that I don't need. I do take some that aren't as helpful as I'd like but if they don't help they will be removed or changed.
Depression is an insidious disease, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, it is a disease. It can be proven that it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and that imbalance can be very difficult to rectify. In my case it is proving more and more difficult as time goes past. At first it was easy, now not so easy, even difficult.
My doctor wants me to consider the possibility of Electric Shock Therapy. I have to tell you that I have had a horror of this since I was a teenager and saw the effects of it on some people who were hospitalized with me for a short time. I was horrified by the confusion, disorientation and other effects that I saw in these people, people with whom I'd been interacting for several days and had come to know as bright and focused people. Then I read about Hemingway, and his experiences with it and the fact that his suicide was directly related to these treatments. It seems that it took away his creativity, and I don't have much but what little I do have I want to keep. We'll come back to EST later, but let's move on...
Thursday I had to drive to Texarkana to see my neurologist. A few weeks ago I'd had some symptoms of TIAs (Transient Ischemic Attack) which is basically a mini stoke. I'd had numbness on one side of my face, my eye was droopy and difficult to focus, and my lip tingled and hurt somewhat. My neurologist assured me that a TIA does not come with pain, which was a relief, but she decided that a brain scan would be a good idea anyway since it had been five years since my last one and I'm known to be a klutz and hit my head more that rarely. So, a week later a brain scan, also known as an MRI or in this case a MRA, which means they used contrasting dye to show arteries and veins, to see if there were any problem. The really good news is that on Thursday I learned that my brain is very normal, something rare in a person over 50, according to my doctor, and that I have some closing of a couple of arteries, but nothing significant, and that one artery in my neck shows a slight bulge but we will check that in six months, and it is nothing to worry about.
So, why do I mention this? It's the driving part. As some of you may know from other blogs, I don't really like driving distances by myself. I don't mind driving if someone is with me, but alone, not so much, especially if I have to drive any distance and Texarkana is about 55 miles from home and I was running late. Not a good combination. Plus the weather had been bad and I was worried about that. Since there was no one to go with me I attempted the drive by myself, which I've done before, even if I haven't enjoyed it. Usually I take my dog, Roux, with me, but since I was going to a doctor's office I couldn't, I won't leave her in the car in any weather and it wasn't that cool on Thursday anyway, so no Roux.
I was about 20 minutes out when there was a small traffic tangle at one of the bridges that the highway crosses, there were several cars in front of me and quite a few behind. We were all doing about the speed limit, which was 70, when we came up to come men putting out construction ahead signs, this slowed most of us down. Previously I'd noticed a white van, quite a ways behind me but gaining rapidly, I'd figured that with my speed being 72 mph and the rate she (it turned out) was gaining, she was doing at least 85 mph, but as she was quite a ways behind I didn't consider her in what was occurring ahead of me. Suddenly the car in front of me, without slowing down, signaled and rapidly changed lanes, that's when I realized that there was a pickup truck in front of him towing a boat that was doing all of about 35 mph, I too signaled, looked in my mirrors, and glanced over my shoulder, and started to switch lanes, as I was doing so, I check my side mirror again, and there was that white van right on my bumper. Needless to say I gunned my car, which was a big V8, with loads of pick up when already cruising, and got out of the way. As soon as I was past the pickup I pulled over to the right lane and wondered how that van had caught up so fast. It had been in my blind spot, and as I switched lanes it became visible. Shaken, I slowed back to the speed limit and kept on driving, not happy but at least out of danger, or so I thought.
This idiot girl, for she was obviously young, waited, staying on my tail, but in the other lane, pulling up and dropping back, usually staying in my blind spot, but letting me know she was there. I don't like drivers who think playing games at high speed is a good thing, or even a good way to make a point, but that's what she did, then suddenly on a curve, she's beside me and deliberately drifting in my lane, again she was not there then there. Fortunately I had lots of shoulder to pull into, and glanced over at the van, there was this young girl, sipping a drink, looking at me, one hand on her steering wheel, with a “got you back” look on her face. Here was this young, stupid child, who thought forcing me off the road was a good idea, and all because I'd inadvertently cut her off, but hadn't even caused her to touch her brakes. Now, I readily admit, I had obviously caused her concern, if not fright, but playing games at 70 miles an hour is just plain stupid, and to me, who already had one idiot cause me to be hospitalized for three months and spend another six months in a nursing home, it was inexcusable. If I could have, I would have followed her to her destination and asked her what she thought she'd proven and why she felt it necessary to prove anything. But I didn't.
No, I continued to my appointment, saw the doctor, got the test results, and headed home. The incident apparently forgotten. Yes, the incident was apparently forgotten, but my subconscious hadn't forgotten it, I was almost half way home when I started having TIA symptoms again. The side of my face started tingling, my eye was heavy and out of focus and I was having difficulty breathing. This time I knew it for what it was, an anxiety attack, with a panic attack following. I thought I could make it home, but couldn't. I drove as far as a road side park that is was about three miles further and pulled in and parked. I lowered the windows some, reclined the seat and tried to collect myself. My heart was pounding and I couldn't get my breath. For a while I thought I'd have to call someone, anyone, to come and pick me up. But after about one half hour I was able to drive again and made it home, barely.
Understand, I did not associate the earlier incident with this, I didn't know what brought this on, but since I'm prone to both anxiety and panic attacks, I'd just figured that the stress of driving to Texarkana and back had caused the problem.
That is until today. Today if Friday, and on Fridays I see my therapist. All day I've been uncomfortable, unable to focus, and unable to get anything done including washing my hair, getting a shower, all the little things that I get done when I have to go out. But today as time to leave got closer and closer I had more and more problems, I was again having a full blown panic attack, and again, I had no idea why. I called my sister, she was out. I called a friend, she was getting ready to leave town, I called Jerry but he was at his other job. I was out of options. I called my nurse and told her what was happening and we talked, she told me to cancel my appointment with Laura so I could take my medicine. I called Laura, left a message and waited for her to call.
Finally she called, we were talking, nothing was different, my medications were the same if changed in how I take them, nothing had happened at home, my test results were good, then it came to me, the incident on the way to the doctor's yesterday. I'd forgotten it, consciously, but subconsciously, I hadn't. My subconscious was very much aware of what had happened and it had thrown me into a full blown PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) episode, something I haven't experienced in months, but boy howdy, was I going through one today. I will probably have trouble driving for a while now, it took almost five years after the drunk hit me for me to be able to do more than drive to the store, about one mile, and it will take a couple of weeks probably for me to be able to drive more than a few miles again. I'll do it faster this time, but still, these set backs are horrible and draining.
Just as I will never be able to understand why the drunk didn't pull back into his lane when he saw me coming, I will never understand what made this insane child decide that forcing me off the road was a good way to “get even” for me cutting her off. Even if I'd don't it on purpose, that would not be a sane way to deal with the situation. In this day of the cell phone why didn't she call the police if she was that shaken up? Write down my license plate number, something? I did hers. Will I turn it in? Probably not, not now. I might have if I'd known how much it was going to effect me and my reactions, but now is too late.
So, my week went from uncomfortable, to strange and bizarre, to horrendous all in five short days. From depression, to anxiety, to panic to full blown PTSD, wow, what a week. Some weeks it doesn't pay to get out of bed. Hey, maybe that's why I stay in bed so much, it's safer!
MRI Altered Image, Title: PTSD Brain Copyright 2009 Janice M. Cali
Is Why
Is Why
You're always welcomed to pm me if issues get bad enough to chat with someone else that share the malaise.
Thank you for your kind heart. I just might have to do that someday. You too, me.
Is Why