Janice M Cali
Rage, where's it coming from?
Enraged - So much more than a word
As I sat talking to my friend the therapist, I started talking about a person who irritates the hell out of me, she pesters Jerry, a whole lot, he's a friend and a little more, they are friends, or used to be, she lives near him and he helps her out with stuff, sometimes. Anyway, there I was talking about an incident that had pissed me off on Monday, when Jerry was doing some stuff for me, I pay him, she doesn't, a big difference since he, like me, needs the money, and in a 15 minute period she called about 10 times, yes TEN! I found this excessive and it pissed me off because I had things I needed getting done. Jerry had to go have an eye exam and already he was late getting to my place because of this woman's needs, or so called needs. As I described the situation, Laura, my therapist, asked, "Why all the rage? Why does Rachel so enrage you?"
That one statement stopped me in mid sentence, so to speak. Rage, I didn't think of it as rage, just irritation, maybe a little anger thrown in but not rage, and then it hit, everything was enraging me lately, had been for months, those little things that should really just be irritants were not. In fact I'd been in a constant state of rage for a long time and didn't know why and what was causing it.
In the case of Rachel (not real name) after talking for a little longer, I realized that I see a lot of what I could be or have been in the past in her and what I dislike the most in my past behaviors, and what I could be if I'm not careful. I am a self-absorbed person, but not to the complete exclusion of others, many artists and others tend to be self-absorbed, but this woman carries to the point that she is the center of the universe everyone is there to serve her needs, always, and she can't understand why they don't and why what she believes to be true isn't.
I do not ever want to be like her, ever! And because she was once a friend, I feel strongly about how her behaviors affect her and those around her.
Then I started thinking about other things that have me enraged, the health of my parents, my father's once brilliant mind being so much less than it was, his inability to grasp simple things anymore, his stubborn resistance to help for his continuing loss of sight, his refusal to work on getting stronger, but to only sit in his chair 24/7 except for doctor appointments and to go get dinner from the dining room, or if my sister and/or I go and take my parents out to eat.
My mom's refusal to take pain medication except once or twice a week because of fears of constipation (lovely thought that), and addiction. Hell she can take things for constipation and at 85 1/2 addiction isn't really a problem now is it?
Then my rage centers around both my dogs, Zeus and Roux, both elderly, 10 years old, and both ailing in different ways. Zeus with extreme arthritis, and continually growing cancerous lumps, and Roux with a cough that continues to get worse and seems to be coughing her lungs out sometimes. So back to the vet for her tomorrow. I don't want to lose either of my dogs, ever, even though I know I will. I chose long lived breeds so the loss would be further out, but they both seem to be getting ready to leave me younger than they should.
OK, now we get to the part about the rage that my parents are going to die, probably sooner than later, they are both 86 (right, as mom pointed out she's only 85 1/2), poor health, and for mom constant, intense pain. So far they have both lived longer their parents, aunts and uncles did, although on my father's side he did have an uncle who was 85 when he died and an aunt who was well into her 90's but she was a stubborn old bat and was too mean to die. Daddy isn't stubborn and isn't mean, mom now she's the stubborn one, she just might outlast us all.
Most of all I'm enraged at myself, my constant headaches, my stupidity in money matters, my refusal to try to solve some of the things that persist in making me crazy, like not insisting that people hired to help not do their jobs properly, and completely so my home is a disaster, and when my home is a disaster I'm never happy.
Laura said that it seemed that about six months ago someone turned on the RAGE button and I couldn't find the off button, I don't know what started this rage period of my life, maybe it's that I'm going to be 62 and my sister is going to be 65 which makes us officially, older (don't one of you say old, because we aren't!), and to me middle aged. I keep wondering where my 50's went. I know where they went but I have only scattered memories of those years, they weren't good ones, and I'd sure like the 60's to be better.
Perhaps the loss of 10 years of my life to extreme illness and injury is what enrages me the most, the fact that so far this decade of my life is going the same way and I can't seem to get out of the rut of illness. I am working desperately to change my life to make it better for me and my hounds and every time I turn around something else turns up to make things more difficult. This will change, I know it because I'm still at heart an optimist, and will always be a survivor so struggling to make life better is part of me, but even that enrages me.
Having to struggle and fight to survive, so very hard and constantly, enrages me. Sometimes I'd like a little easy something to happen and just come along, one of those "ah ha" moments where life drops goodness into your lap and you can sit back and be happy and joyful that it has done so and some of your worries and concerns are gone. I really need a moment like that, and of course, finding the off switch for the rage would be a big help, probably.
