Janice M Cali
Rotten Back
Really Bad Back!
Besides the minor and occasional emotional problem, I also have a few minor and occasional physical problems, which I may have mentioned in previous posts. Well today I'm going to bitch about having a bad back, which I do, but today it is being very viscous and nasty, very nasty.
It all started Saturday night, I was getting up to close up the house and get ready for bed, my usual routine, mostly. When I got up my I twisted just right, or wrong, depending on your point of view and my back went out, away, zonkers, warped, kaflooie, whatever term you want to use, it quit working even remotely the way it should. In short, I couldn't stand up straight, barely walk and frankly just wanted to scream. Now, I'm used to pain, I live with it day in and day out, it's part of my life and being used to it I know how to deal with it, but this pain brought back memories of the first time I ruptured a disc in my spine and that was scary. I haven't ruptured one again, I'm pretty sure, because I already have 14 discs that are not in their proper position, have lumps, bumps, and bone spurs, it's called arthritis of the spin and degenerative disc disease, in short my spine is a mess, so why shouldn't I expect a little problem now and then? Surprisingly I don't. Oh, I expect stiffness, soreness and sometimes discomfort from my spine but I don't expect it to cause the type of trouble it is now.
Normally, when something like my back causing extra pain, I go to my massage therapist and have him work on it, but since this happened on Saturday I couldn't do that, so I got out the old Biofreeze and started rubbing it in to the sore places on my back. This is not the easiest thing to do and if Jerry, my friend, had been here he would have been assigned the task but he wasn't so I had to do it. It helped some, enough that I could go with my sister on Sunday to visit my parents. Big mistake! I should have skipped the visit. They live about 55 miles away and a ride in a car, both ways, plus sitting in an uncomfortable chair while there did not help my problem at all. By the time we got home I could barely get out of the car and walking into the house was hell. That is really the only way to describe it.
I went to my wheelchair right away. I use it only rarely now, usually when a chore requires a great deal of standing in one place, which I can't do, or when I have things that require moving a lot of stuff from one place to another, since I can't walk while carrying anything. Now it usually resides in the kitchen, it makes cooking easier and less tiring, right now it is residing in my bedroom at the foot of the bed. I can crawl my way to the chair and make my way around with it. I thank God that I have it, even if it is worn to almost nothing and falling apart. One of these days I'll get it replaced with a newer, stronger model. Of course, I'd rather get a new spine but they don't make those yet, I'm waiting for that medical breakthrough.
Surprisingly my neurosurgeon doesn't feel that surgery would be appropriate at this time. I ask you, I have a minimum of 14 discs messed up, and more happening as I type and he doesn't think my back needs fixing. The fact that it is always hurting doesn't matter, use drugs to stop the pain, but here's the thing, I really don't like drugs, I'd love to get rid of most of the ones I have to take but I can't, at least not yet. Unfortunately the neurosurgeon I see is one of the best in the area and the fact that he isn't willing to do surgery on a back he doesn't feel is bad enough is probably a good thing, but right now, I'd prefer a knife in the back to lying in bed with ice packs, taking pain killers and muscle relaxants.
For now, this isn't helping my state of mind, I have things I absolutely have to do, that I've been putting off for way too long because of depression, so along comes a bum back and now I can't do those things just when I'm starting to feel like maybe doing something useful. Damn!
I told you I'd be bitching tonight and I am. I've managed to do absolutely nothing worthwhile today, except cook dinner, but even that wasn't hard, just chop a few veggies, put them with some ham on a pizza crust, premade, with sauce and cheese and stick it in the oven, 35 minutes later, dinner. Now was that hard? No, because I could do it all from my wheelchair and I had Jerry to get it out of the oven and cut it up. Not hard, and hardly productive if you think of it.
For years I was bedridden, now I'm staying in bed by choice most of the time, well not really by choice, more because I can't seem to make myself get up, but I always have the choice of getting up or not, but with my back acting up I don't have that choice, I have to stay in bed, a lot, because my back is so bad. Hopefully tomorrow it will be better and I'll be able to get something worthwhile done, it would be a nice change from what I haven't been doing lately.
Confused? Me too, but then that's my natural state lately, confused, depressed and somewhat out of sorts. New medications have been started and I don't know if they are working yet, I don't think so, I don't feel better emotionally and I'm not feeling happier, nor am I finding it easier to get my ass out of bed and do something useful, even if it's just clean one corner of my studio, pack one box of unneeded stuff. With my back being bad, I can't even consider these things and that pisses me off. I, at least, want the choice of whether or not I do these things, or what little choice my messed up mind gives me.
Well, I guess that about covers my state of being for the night. I'll most likely have something else to say tomorrow, if not there's always the day after, I see my shrink then and whoa baby should I have something to say that night!
Take care, be sane, or at least just unsane instead of insane and be as well as you can be. We all try to get to the state of wellness that is best for us. Keep fighting if that is what it takes, it is for me, and if I can fight on, so can you.
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Hot water bottle it is! Thanks for the advice, and thanks for the sympathy, I'll take it.