Janice M Cali
Roux 'b Doux & Zeus
Together
When I first got Zeus, over three years ago, he immediately started taking over the places that Roux claimed. One was under my desk, Roux though, wasn't daunted, if she wanted to be a place that Zeus was trying to claim she just found a way. They were somewhat careful of each other. Zeus used to curl a lip when he thought she was pushing, she just pushed and ignored his lip curling. Now he's not here to do that and she is very unhappy, as am I.
I'd taught Zeus that lip curling was unmannerly and unacceptable when for no reason, which was his usual M.O., he learned and he learned that lip curling at mom was ever a no-no, regardless of what he thought were real reasons. He doesn't do that anymore, of course, he's gone.
Roux has me worried, a great deal. She has cut her eating in more than a half, she hasn't had a regular bathroom routine since Zeus died. I'm not going to be too indelicate here, but I used to pick up poops twice a day, both his and hers. Hers were never bothersome, but they were there. Now poops from her are there maybe every other day. This isn't normal, and I'm starting to worry. Of course, I know it's because she's eating so much less, and she doesn't have to poop, but since Zeus died because of an impacted intestinal tract it is only normal that I worry.
The other thing is that she is grieving, a lot. I recently moved my bedroom back upstairs to the old bedroom, where it was when Roux moved in with me, she's forgotten that, but she has discovered that the foot of the bed is the perfect place, part on the bed and part on the table at its foot, to place herself to watch the back door, waiting for Zeus to come home.
She does this every time I'm up here, as now, she sleeps there, she gazes out the door's window, and at the slightest movement, usually the tree that's back there, she's up and running at the door, barking gleefully, only to stop and realize that it isn't Zeus, but she's been fooled again.
One of the things she needs is another dog, I know this, not a new Zeus, he was unique as they all are, but Roux loves other dogs, so a new one would be fine with her, easily accepted. The problem is that I'm not ready for another dog, and this building I live in, lovely as it is, doesn't have a yard big enough for two large dogs, and I certainly don't want a small dog, Roux isn't that gentle or calm, she'd hurt one. My yard is 24' x 10', approximately, and when Zeus was with us I let the dogs have the run of the carport which is enclosed, partly and completely within the fenced perimeter, so they really had a 24' x 24' yard, but now as I pack up the contents of the building, trying to bring some order to the place so I can sell it, that space is rapidly being used up and there is no longer any room for big dog poops much less some running.
I feel very guilty, not taking Roux for walks every day, but because of medications I take I can't tolerate heat, nor can I be out in the sun more than a few minutes without breaking out in hives. that's one of the reasons I want to sell and move to the country. I can fence in a large yard, Roux and any hounds that join us can have the run of an acre or so, and I can watch from the covered porch and join them with my scooter when the weather allows.
Missing a dog sounds silly, I know, worrying about another dog being unhappy without that dog also sounds silly to many, but when your dogs are your family, it isn't so silly, it's reality and my reality right now is still sad and lonesome.
As my mental condition changes from clinical depression to bipolar, slowly, I find I'm entering a manic stage, not a good thing, although I get a lot more done, out of bed more easily, etc., my manic stages tend to lead me into trouble, financially, mostly, and also in believing that I can do anything, and I then attempt to do anything, like move furniture, without help, which isn't a good idea, not even a close to good one, but I try, and sometimes succeed. The thing is as I become manic, I can't wait for anyone else to decide to help, I start and if someone else wants to help they have to get in there and help, or I'm doing things without them, and usually end up hurting myself.
My fear as I slowly enter this stage is that I'll go get another dog before I'm ready, that I'll do something stupid, like find the trailer I want, yes a mobile home, but it won't look like one when I'm done, and buy it. If the price is right I could actually put it on a credit card. Think about this, I live on social security, with a small exception of sometimes selling a pound or two of dog treats, or etching some wedding glasses (I etch glass too), I have no other income, but I have absolutely great credit, fantastic credit, outstanding credit, and when offered, I get credit cards, when I'm manic. Up until tonight, when all the small business cards of one company will no longer be any good, I had over $27,000 in credit cards, those are just the major ones, I had some small ones, but I don't count them. Imagine that's more than double my yearly income. Scary when you consider that bipolar and compulsive spenders go hand in hand, and the temptation to spend is very great and when manic I don't think about the consequences. Wow, baby can I do some damage or what?!
What does this have to do with missing Zeus and worrying about Roux? Think about it, I could buy a trailer, used of course, have it moved onto the land, and start the rehabilitation of it while still owning the building I'm living in. I could have fences built, take Roux over, and I could get another hound. If I let myself go crazy. I'm going to try very, very hard not to go that far, and fortunately I have my credit cards in the freezer, in ice, which tends to mess up the magnetic strips, I hope, so they are somewhat hard to use, but the temptation is great, very great.
I start a new medication on Monday, it is for depression and bipolar. Keep your fingers crossed that one, I'm not allergic to it, and two it helps calm the manic into a more manageable mood.
More later...
