Janice M Cali
Well Damn, or something!
Cuddles Count
Here it is Thursday already and I've been meaning to write something for this page all week.
Monday I thought, “Wow! I can post a really happy, upbeat post. Brag about how the new medications are working and doing a great job.”
Tuesday, was busy writing all day, but not for this blog, was writing fiction. I'd overdone it on Monday, physically, so Tuesday I had to take it easy, not do too much around the house, but I was still upbeat, full of excessive energy, just like Monday.
Wednesday, my mood is starting to take a down turn, not as upbeat, not as much energy, a headache in the morning, but it went away fast with pain pills and getting up. Didn't get much done, spent too much money, way too much money, found an auction site that costs to much and played on the gaming site I play on sometimes, way too often really.
Now we reach Thursday, that would be today, and my mood is going down again. These ups and downs are starting to wear me down. I woke up, early for me, as has been happening lately with the change in medications, but I had a migraine, again. This time the pain pills didn't help, I had to go back to bed and hoped the pills would work, somehow, but they didn't. At 11:00 in the morning I had to take more and a different type, so I did, and they helped, some. Then the other pains could rear their ugly heads, fibromyalgia and arthritis pain kicked in and made everything even worse. This always happens when I start going down, they are related. Stress, pain, all go hand in hand, remember that those of you who have sudden or chronic pain, stress and depression are mitigating factors in pain, they help control how much and how often you feel your pains, look for correlations.
I love the energy that I have when I'm feeling up, when the medication is working and when I can get things done. Writing, abet the story I wrote was more than a little depressing, at least to some, I loved writing it, it just flowed, it was fun to write and post to see who would read it. Today, I can hardly write this blog, it is draining to try to figure out what to put down on the paper (figuratively), the words are hard to come by, they don't flow freely with little conscious effort on my part as they did on Tuesday.
Soon, very soon, I will find a solution to these ups and downs, if I'm becoming bipolar, then let me have the ups more than the downs. Let the creativity come flowing and not the complete halts. Life can be so tiring sometimes. I'd love to crawl under my bed and stay there, forever, sometimes.
If I didn't have my Roux (dog for those of you who don't know) and my family, sister, parents, I don't know if I'd bother to continue this life. Wow! Did I just say that? I thought I was just a little down, now I realize I'm a lot down, and I'm having that new feeling I get when like this. It simulates TIAs and is again rearing its individually ugly head; across the side of my face, down my neck, into the side of my mouth, what a miserable feeling and something I have learned comes with stress and fear.
My statement that started the last paragraph, that's when these feelings started. Are they feelings of fear at my statement, or feelings of fulfillment of my statement? What a strange question. I wish I had an answer. I wish I could have made the effort to write the post I wanted to on Monday, it would have been so up, so encouraging and this one, well not so much. But I can tell you all that I will find a way to fight my way back.
You see there is one thing I know about myself, or hope I know about myself. I'm a survivor, it's the one thing I do so very, very well, survive, even when I don't want to, even when survival isn't something I really want. Now that's a stupid statement, if I didn't want survival than I wouldn't survive. I'm one of the strongest people on the face of this earth, no I'm not bragging, this is a fact, and in that statement, I don't mean physically, hell a child of 10 could beat me at arm wrestling, and not mentally in the sense of mental wellness, but inside of me, deep inside of me, is a person who will never, ever be able to quit, that person will fight the outside person until one of them wins. The strongest person in the world, will win, that's the survivor, the other, outside person, will always lose because the outside person isn't strong, but weak, unwilling to fight for survival, but deep inside of her is the “me” that will not allow anything but fighting, will not allow the outside, weak person to give up, not for long, not forever, not completely.
Somehow I suspect that even if I decided to take those pills, had no reason to keep going on, that person who is curious, knowledgeable, talented, smart, and, most importantly, unwilling to quit, will stop my hand, will not allow me to do the, to her, unthinkable. Don't misunderstand, I don't have multiple personality disorder, I don't have schizophrenia, I have chronic depression, possibly going bipolar, with panic disorder, anxiety disorder, those I have, but I have two parts of myself, we all do, the one that knows that there is a problem with our minds, with the way they work and that there is a part of my mind that is healthy, that keeps the illnesses from taking hold for good.
Physiologically my brain is one of the healthiest my neurologist has ever seen, and I told her she should see it from inside. This brought the expected laugh, but I wonder, if my physical brain is healthy as a young one, then why do I have these chemical imbalances? Why do I have these problems with depression, anxiety, panic, manic episodes? Do they not indicate that there is something wrong physically as well as mentally? The simple, but probably not accurate answer, is that a MRI and MRA can't measure chemicals, and they can't to my knowledge, and evidentially, chemical imbalances don't cause physical changes to the brain's structures. How very strange, you'd think they would.
I suspect that I could ramble about this for a while yet, but I need something for the pain, physical, and something for the numbness from panic and I need to look deeply, more deeply into the reasons for this crash today, why today? Why do I suddenly feel like life is to tiring to bother? I need to go be by myself and think. I might be back later, if I am you'll know.
Later all, have a better one, remember, happiness can be yours even if it requires a struggle, and even if that struggle is a long and painful one.
