Janice M Cali
Today I Killed My Dog
Big White Monster Dog
It is one of the saddest things I ever have to do, help one of my animals pass from this life to the next one. The fear being, is this really the right time, are they really ready, am I being selfish because his pain can be inconvenient? How do I know he is really ready to die? This isn't the first animal I've had to make this decision for, nor will it be the last, but it is never easier. I kept searching his eyes, hoping he'd tell me, "Yes, mom, let me go," but all I saw was the fear the pain was causing him. So I had to make the decision without his help. I know it was the right one, but it hurts so much.
His name was Zeus, I'd had him a little over three years, he was 10 years old, riddled with arthritis, in his hind legs, his hips and his spine and neck. He had chronic urinary tract disease, and this week, sometime when I wasn't looking his intestines backed up, beyond the normal all up the way to his small colon, he filled up with gas that bloated him beyond his usual graceful outlines, and he was in so much pain you could see it in every more.
I will so miss this big white handsome boy. This dog that came to me fearful, insecure and unable to play much less enjoy life, and left me as a dog who knew he was loved, wanted and had a mischievous streak that was fun and funny to behold. Whenever I left, he would come in the house make a mess of my bed and sleep in the middle of it. Head on pillow and await my return, with his sister Roux letting him know when the car pulled up.
Awaiting Mom's Return
Zeus was full of life and joy, his last three years were like none he'd ever had. He had a sister, Roux 'b Doux, a standard poodle who taught him what fun was while he taught her many bad habits, like trash diving, and counter surfing, things I really wish she hadn't learned, but since he learned how to chase a bone and run up and down the house while being chased by her, it was a fair trade off.
He was one of the most handsome hounds ever, he wasn't a retired racing hound, he was an abandoned show dog, handsome as can be, with a couple of faults, mainly his teeth, they came in wrong, oh my, might as well dump him, right? He was found wandering the streets of a busy town, fortunately by a greyhound lover and rescuer. He spend most of his first 6 years in rescue, one previous forever home, that wasn't, and a foster, the kennels, which I can attest that he hated, and the last three of his life with me. Where he learned security, love, compassion and most of all fun.
Zeus loved to play cute, he'd hide his head on his pillow, note had one of his own, and look up at you with one eye and a shy smile on his face, I'm cute aren't I? his visible eye would say. And of course he was.
I'm Adorable
The pain I feel at having to put this beautiful, loving animal to sleep is a stab in my heart, I won't be getting over this one fast. He had such an unfair life, and I had him such a very short time, but oh, my how I love that dog.
Thunderfoot, Monster Dog, Handsome, Goofus, and Zeus, all one dog, all mine. How I feel I'll write about when I can right now, think of this beautiful animal, and his poor lot in life and send prayers to that place God reserves for the faithful animals who so serve man, so well, and pray that he is running free, free of pain, with joy in his heart and a laugh on his face. He was good at laughs too.
He always could laugh
And no matter how much I know he was ready to go, that it was the final kindness I could give him, I still feel like a murderer. I killed my dog, the one I loved so much. Good bye Zeus, wait for me at the bridge with Colt & GemGem and we'll all cross together.
i feel your pain
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What a beautiful tribute you have written. Too beautiful really - I was dry-eyed a minute ago ...
Of course, Zeus is up there somewhere shaking his handsome head at the foibles of humans. "Hey," he's saying, "you gave me three great years, didn't you?"
I've known you and Zeus a while now Janice. I'm sending a huge cyber-hug from everyone here. We'll all miss him too.
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Again, thank you all for your kind words and reaching arms, it means a lot.
Janice
i have a 14 year old Doberman called Kaiser. She is the most beautiful, smartest, gentlest dog i have ever known. As expected from an old dog, Kaiser started suffering from arthritis about a year ago. She had some hard days but mostly she was ok. About a month ago she started going down hill very very quickly. I took her to the vet and he put her on pain killers, andti inflamatories etc etc By this time she had a lot of trouble walking but the vet said she would feel a bit better with the medication and would be mobile in a couple of days. Kaiser just got worse and worse. A couple of days ago she just stopped walking all together and could't get up at all. She lost a ton of weright and looked very ill. I took her back to the vet and he was shocked at the way she looked. He said there had to me something else going on with her because she should have gotten better with the drugs he gave her. So, yesterday, afetr a ton of tests and money (which i couldnt afford but don't regret a bit) i was told Kaiser had stomach cancer.
The vet told me of my options but also told me to keep in mind that she is very old and things won't really get much better and that i should start thinking about putting her to sleep.
He filled her with antibiotics and pain killers and sent me home to think about it and go back tomorrow.
I was awake all night last night sitting next to her making sure she was still breathing. Kaiser was my first dog and i have never seen a really sick dog before. She was on the couch all wrapped up in blankets, and she never moved a muscle. She didn't eat and i really thought she wouldn't make it through the night. I tried to give her water through a baby bottle but to no avail. The vet said that she was extremely anaemic because she was bleeding internally and she would have no energy whatsoever.
So during the night i had to make a decision. I was always against putting her to sleep. She is my beautiful baby girl, but i got to the conclusion that i was being selfish and was not thinking what was best for her. So, i made the hardest decision of my life and decided that tomorrow i would go back to the vet and tell him to put my baby to sleep because i couldn't stand seeing her suffering like that any longer.
Well, Kaiser had a bit of a hard night and then only a couple of hours ago she looked like she wanted to get up. I bed her in bed and she ate a whole 1.5 kg tim of her favourite food. I was over the moon. Obviously she is feeling better. I picked her up and took her out in the garden, i thought she would like to get some fresh air. To my amazement, with a bit of help and encouragement from my 8 year old son, she got up and walked around the garden for a good 5 minutes. Still very wobbely and slow, but she was up for the first time in 4 days.
Now i am even more confused. Do i till put her to sleep? do i give her more time?
So, i decided, i will talk to the vet tomorrow. I know there's not much we can do for the cancer. The vet said because of her age and because she is so fragile, she wouldn't survive surgery. If he can assure me we can keep her fairly mobile, just enough for her to go out in the garden and do her poos and pees, and keep her pain free, then i will bring her back home. I know the cancer won't go away, but if she is mobile and pain free perhaps she can be happy with us for a few more months. But if we can't make the pain go away, then i will have to be strong and put her to sleep.
This is definately the hardest thing i ever had to do. I look at my son and think...would i do the same thing if it was him??? I have had Kaiser longer than i had him, she is my princess...am i doing the right thing? I know i am. It is not humane to keep her alive when she is suffering so much, but that doesn't make me feel any better. My heart goes to all of those who had to do this at some stage. I will never own another pet, only because i can't imagine going through this again
You will own another pet, because you have a heart big enough. Not to do so would be denying your love to some animal who needs you and your son. It may take time, but you will.
The pain of what you are going through is enormous but it only gives you more love in the long run. As to whether you are doing the right thing I can't say. You may be able to have your Kaisie another couple of weeks, perhaps months, or not. That is up to kaiser and God.
But, I know unless you are entirely selfish you will make the right decision when the time comes. I also know that unless you are entirely selfish, one day, in Kaiser's memory your will find and give another deserving animal a home and love it as you do Kaiser.
I, too, once vowed never to love another animal, never to have another pet, but I found that I can't live my life without them, they give a new and whole meaning to life. Your child does this too but someday that child will have a life of his own, leave home, and you will look around at a empty house and wonder how to fill it, unless you have already given your care and heart to another pet.
Best of luck and best wishes with the pain and decisions that you are having to face. Know that you are not alone and the prayers and thoughts of many are going out to you.
Janice
thank you very much for your kind words.
Kaiser had an MRI today to make sure we were not missing anything. And the vt realised he had misdiagnosed her earlier and that it is Lymphoma not gastric cancer. But to us, the outcome hasn't changed. She is still on pain killers and is a bit brighter. She is eating better and can't walk for a few minutes here and there.
i am seeing the vet tomorrow to discuss what we are doing from here. The radiologist suggested Chemotherapy, but i need to see what the vet thinks. I don't know if she is strong enough or if it is worth her pain
My prayers will be with you and Kaiser. I know this isn't easy for either of you. But one thing I've heard from friends who have had dogs with cancer is that dogs go through chemo with very little trouble, unlike humans. That might help with decisions. Of course, what the vet says about the strength she has and her pain will determine what you do. Good luck to both of you and feel free to stay in touch.
Janice